Life, Love & Persuit of our Fairytale...

FIRST Valentines! Make Your Own!

2012-02-14T11:27:00.003-06:00

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

We just finished making our FIRST little Valentine and it turned out super cute! Just wanted to share....its very easy and I love anything that is handmade with some extra love ;)

All you need is: A washable ink pad, 2 pieces of card stock, a sharpy pen and a pair of cute little feet. I stuck the 2 pieces of card stock together with double stick tape and.....

VOILA!

A Valentine created with love and a keep sake that the recipient will cherish!

Happy Valentines day everyone! We send you loads of hugs and Lleyton says "eat lots of chocolate"!

XOXOXOXO

Andrea

Grateful

2011-12-30T12:43:00.002-06:00

As the year end closely approaches, I have one word to sum things up.....

GRATEFUL

I have so much to be grateful for! And I look at my little man and my heart is full. And I reflect on all that we endured to come to "this place" and I cry, tears are streaming now, I'm just so FULL.

And thankful to GOD for his continued BLESSINGS!

PS. He said "Mama" on Christmas Day! How's that for the BEST PRESENT EVER!!!!!

Hugs, Love and Continued Prayers, HOPE and Blessings to all,
Andrea

Catching up...In pictures 1

2011-12-16T10:36:00.000-06:00

The end of September, we packed the car and headed to Rosemary, Beach, FL to celebrate my Mother's 60th birthday!

My brother and his family joined us, as did my hubbys parents.

We arrived at our house after a long days drive....

We loved on our Poppie and played at the pool

We played so hard we fell fast asleep

We played with cousins and really were "Beach Bums"!

We dipped toes in both water and sand

We cooked and devoured great meals!

We sat as a family and thanked GOD for blessings both BIG and small

We baked Oreo Cup Cakes and celebrated my Little Love turning 5!

We reflected on just how very hard it is to be 5!

We savored the kisses that only a Nana can give

We celebrated in true beach style, in our jammies with an umbrella in our cup cake! And we were so enamored with our "sparkly number 5" that we took it to bed with us :)

We posed for the Mama'razzi

We juggled a busy 9 month old and a squirmy 5 month old!

We "hung loose" (that's the sign he's trying to give)

We "called all crab hunters"

We watched beautiful sunsets over colorful waters

We celebrated a milestone in the life of a beautiful Mother

We devoured more cup cakes...this time Mocha! With a "sparkly number 60"!

And, we made memories that will last a lifetime....

BLM Needs Your Love and Prayers

2011-12-14T10:27:00.000-06:00

Sweetest Bloggie Friends,

Today, I write to you with a very heavy heart. After visiting Marie's Blog on Monday night, I was reduced to tears. The tears just wouldn't stop flowing, it was late, the house was quiet and everyone was asleep, save me, catching up on blogs. Marie had asked for special prayers for her friend Tanika who's beautiful baby boy Israel Grayson was born to heaven, where he will join his sisters, due to a cord accident.

Personally, I do not know Tanika, but her story, Israel Greyson's story, took me back to those dark days in my life that are so painful. It reminded me of all my blog BLM friends who offered me compassion and love. Those who "held" me and lifted me up and encouraged me through FAITH. Friends, you all "know" what she is going through and I would ask that you visit her blog and offer her love, support, compassion...whatever your heart leads you to speak. Pay it forward and give back so much of what was given you.

After reading Tanika's post's, I was in awe of her incredible FAITH. The way she honored her sweet baby and how she attentively cared for him, showered him with her love and shared with him a sunrise on Earth. She is truly a woman of GOD. That night, following reading Tanika's post, tears streaming, I went and took Lleyton from his crib, sleeping. I just needed to hold him next to me and talk to GOD. Why such things happen to good people leaves me perplexed, heart broken and so incredibly sad. Again, please stop by Tanika's blog, not just today, but in the coming days and the coming year. Give her the love that was given to us in our day of need.

Much love to each of you,
Andrea

4 Months and Growing!

2011-08-31T23:02:00.000-05:00

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

Where does the time go? I can hardly believe my eyes when I look at Lleyton and see how he's grown. Has it been 4 months already?

Time is flying....just last week I finally made it to the photographers studio to view his newborn images and my maternity images. I sat there in front of a huge viewing screen and looked as she flipped through the shots and just minutes into them I started to cry. This was my life unfolding before my eyes and it took me back to a place where a baby was only a dream and all I had to fill the void was HOPE & FAITH. Now, I was looking at the beautiful little miracle God has given to us and I was so incredibly humbled and immensely grateful.

As I looked at the images it seemed surreal. I couldn't believe that I no longer have an infant, but a little boy. He has grown and changed SO much! His expressions are priceless and he is now "talking" all the time. Not to mention he is rolling over and trying his best to crawl...not sure I'm ready for that yet ;) He loves watching his baby Einstein baby Mozart and baby Beethoven DVD's, to which my husband and I laugh, as we just can seem to see what Lleyton finds so amuzing about them, but he LOVES them! I ration out his time watching or he would sit there all day. We rotate between his little play gym, the bumbo seat, his jumparoo and playing on his play mat or playing in the floor in his nursery.

I love this little boo boo beyond words...I soak up every minute I have with him and smile all day long! Yes, there are many things that don't get done around our house, but he will only be little once and I'm not going to blink and miss it...the rest can wait!

As for sleeping, our sleeping pattern has improved. Just this week, as my husband has been away traveling, I began to establish a bed time. I decided that 8:30 was a good time for me to put lovie down and he slept 6 hours the first night and 7 1/2 the next. I was amazed! Speaking of bed times, it's time for me to call it a night too. I could continue to write a novel, but I need sleep.

I'm reading your blogs, promise...however, my new computer won't let me comment and I've yet to have time to figure our the snaffu, but I will. Just know I'm reading, following and sending love and well wishes to all.

Much Love and Hugs always,

4 Marvelous Months!

PS. No spell check...not enough time

Life's Happenings and Target Sucks!

2011-08-10T14:50:00.001-05:00

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

Wow, what a week! There is so much going on here! For starters, Lleyton has worked tirelessly to roll over onto his tummy and finally he did it! Monday, we played in his nursery and he was trying, trying, trying to roll over and just couldn't do it. Then, when I wasn't looking, he did it! I looked at his sweet little self on his play mat and there he was....on his tummy! And he did it just as his Daddy was walking through the door. This Mama had a smile on her face as wide as the Mississippi River! Way to go Lovie!

In other news, Lleyton got his new wheels yesterday! Thanks to his sweet and generous Sydee and Poppie, he is now the proud owner of the Bumbleride Indie stroller. Can I just say that a good stroller makes all the difference! And this one is PERFECT! We took his new wheels on their maiden voyage last night and it was dreamy. No more bumpity, bump where the sidewalk sections join and no more being harnessed in his carrier and uncomfortable....Nope, now he can just relax and ride, as he was such a happy boy on his stroll. He smiled and coo'ed and laughed, which is a big difference from when we would take him in his Snap n Go with his carrier attached.

I knew I wanted a stroller that was well built and had lots of features, relatively light weight, etc...and I found the Bumbleride on line, but the only problem was there was no store even remotely near us to go and try it :( And just as I was about to go out on a limb and order it on line, sight unseen, a local baby boutique took my advice and adde the line to their store! Can we say ahhh...I went and test drove it and it met all my expectations and then some. Highly recommend it and its worth the price. And we are very grateful to his grandparents for the awesome gift!

On other fronts....TARGET SUCKS! Now, I hate the words sucks, but I couldn't come up with a better short word to describe my experience.

DON'T create a BABY registry at TARGET! The return policy is just plain awful! Thinking I was doing a good thing that would be convenient for people we registered at our local Target store. After mulitple showers we received duplicates of many gifts....6 Bumbo seats, 5 Diaper Genies, and the list goes on and on. However, not all of our sweet friends gave us gift receipts and not everyone told the clerk that the items purchased were off of a registry. Thus, let the chaos begin!

For starters, if you return items, the clerk will politely (or maybe not) ask you to print off your registry and then look to see if the item is on it. Then, you will be asked to produce a gift receipt. If you have no gift receipt, you can give them your drivers license and return up to $75 worth of items WITHOUT a receipt...this is a one time thing! After that, if you return items they will only allow you to swap dollar for dollar from the SAME DEPARTMENT, and I don't mean the general baby department, but you have to get it specifically from department 30, etc...who has time for that? Or, who knows the departments and their location? What a nightmare! It took me an hour to return the 6th Diaper Genie and an item that had been recalled! Not to mention I had an item that was purchased by a friend for $40 that the clerk told me was only worth $7 as of today! What? Thanks, but no thanks, I'll keep the item and pass it along to someone who can use it.

In hind sight, I would have registered at Babies R Us, as they were wonderful when it came to returns! And there is always good old Wal Mart, which takes back most everything with ease. At one point I had to laugh when the Target sales clerk suggested I ask the gift givers to produce gift receipts....um, no, that would be a wee bit tacky. So, with that said, I will tell every expectant Mother to NOT do a TARGET BABY REGISTRY or you will be stuck with countless things you don't need or can't use. Or, in our case, we will be donating and passing along to those in need, which isn't necessarily a bad thing :)

As for something positive, while I was waiting to exchange the items and the sweet clerk was working to try to help me, Lleyton started having a meltdown, as it was time for his bottle. A very sweet clerk on her lunch break of all things, started trying to entertain him as I stood and made his bottle. Then, another sweet lady in line behind me asked if she could feed him while completed the transaction...and another precious lady loaded my items into my cart. Angels on Earth is all I can say....and it really does TAKE A VILLAGE!

I hate for this to seem so negative, but I am a stickler for customer service. My clients expect it and I stand on my head to be kind and appreciative of the business that comes my way. And I hate when corporate policies seem to disrespect hard working customers. After all, Target has a sophisticated tracking system that tells them if a product is actually theirs according to the skew number. Enough on that...just learn from my mistake of registering there or be ware of the hurdles if you do :)

Other than that, I'm continuing on my weight loss journey! I am doing the Weight Watchers plan and lost 2 pounds exactly last week, my first week on the program. The plan is easy and I get lots of great things to eat. I started at 138 and am down to 136 and my clothes already feel better having lost such a small amount. And, yesterday, I actually went to the pool and wore a cute swimsuit! Following WW along with working out has totally changed the way I see myself....I'm no longer feeling frumpy and dumpy, but see myself as a work in progress! On the to do list this week is to call my trainer and get her to work with me on Pilates moves to strengthen the core, post C-Section, as training is different for us Mommies who had surgery. Oh, and Kudo's to my friend Jamie over at Forget Me Not O Lord, who lost 3 pounds last week on WW! Woo Hoo Jamie!

Last, but not least, a BIG CONGRATULATIONS to my friend Brie at Two of a Kind Working on a Full House...she is pregnant! I'm beyond thrilled, as she was so sweet to me following the loss of our baby and then supported me through infertility. Big Hugs sweet friend, I'm so happy for you!

Lots of Love and Big Hugs to all....and for those of you out there still struggling with infertility, my heart is with you. Don't give up, just be positive, persevere and be patient. And I will be praying for your miracles.

Body After BABY Part 2

2011-08-01T15:48:00.000-05:00

Happy Monday Bloggie Friends!

After reading all of your comments on my original post "Body After Baby" I was comforted to know that not everyone jumps right back into their pre-pregnancy clothing or into a bikin! For those of you who did, Kudo's to you! But for this C-section Mama it just didn't happen ;) As many of you said and my cousin reiterated, it took 9 long months to gain the weight and it will take a few more to get it off...it just doesn't happen over night.

So, what's a girl to do? Well, this morning, as Lleyton slept, I got on line and enrolled myself in the Weight Watchers on line program. Me being the type A personality that I am the structure is good...although, I wish I had more time to peruse the site and find recipes, etc..but that will come! And today has been great! For breakfast I had my usual Kashi Go Lean cereal with 1% milk. For Lunch, I had an 8" tortilla with 2 tbsp of Hommus, salad greens, chick peas, red bell pepper and cucumbers. It was tasty! On the side I had more cucumbers with a little drizzle of red wine vinagrette. And for a snack, later I will have a bananna! Dinner is going to be grilled chicken breast and veggies.

On the plan I get 29 points each day and thus far I have used 15. It seems easy so far and I like that I'm accountable to tracking what I'm eating. And I also get extra points pending how much I work out, which is nice! Overall, when I got pregnant I weighted 119-121 lbs and I currently weigh 138, Yikes! So, I have about 15-17 lbs to lose.

In the meantime, I suppose I will take all of the "EXCELLENT" advice that all of you gave me. I'm going to try and not focus on what I used to look like, but try and focus on the fact that I'm working toward my goal. Easier said that done, but doable ;) And I'll continue to add a few "tide me by" items of clothing to the wardrobe...I just wish Fall would hurry up and get here! You sure can "hide" the fluff alot better under layers! LOL Also, I plan to reward myself with a particular belt that I have always coveted.

Other than that, I talked with a personal trainer friend and asked about the varying opinions on doing crunches and ab work post C-section. The controversy is in that going straight to crunches and sit ups will cause the abdoment to protrude, as the smaller, deeper muscles won't be trained first. It all goes back to the theory of training the transverse abdominus. Anyway, his advice was to go ahead with crunches, but don't do a full crunch. Instead, come up slightly and pulse several times. And of course, he recommended pilates moves. So I will be taking this advice as well and talking with a pilates instructor to incorporate moves along with cardio and strength training.

Whew....and to think I used to do all of this without even thinking about it! If I just had more time!!!

BUT

This is what makes it all worth while....even being fluffy....

Thanks again for all the comments and support....I appreciate it beyond words. Sending everyone sunshine for a wonderful week ahead. And if you have any great Weight Watchers tips or recipes to share please do! I'd love to hear about them :)

Body After BABY

2011-07-30T14:32:00.001-05:00

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

Happy Saturday! Okay, so here is the scoop....I'm having a tough time coming to terms with my "Body After BABY". Pre baby, I loved fashion, clothing, shoes and accessories. Even while I was pregnant I strived to dress my best and had fun dressing the bump.

Now, 3 months later, post baby, post c-section, I find myself feeling frumpy and dumpy! While I was pregnant I ate right and did everything I could to ensure that I wouldn't have loads of weight to lose once he was born. Overall, I gained somewhere between 17 and 20 pounds and I actually "thought" that I'd snap right back into shape and be back to my old self fairly quickly...but that is not the case. My Dr. didn't want me to work out for 12 weeks post surgery to allow my incision and abdominal area to heal. And who am I kidding, I didn't feel like hitting a gym either! I was sore and too sleep deprived to even stand up on a treadmill let alone walk on one! Not to mention its hot as hell here in the deep south so strolling is not an option in 100+ degree temps. And going to the gym at 8:30 at night when your hubby gets home is not exactly optimal after a long, tiring, day caring for a baby.

So, as of late, I have joined a gym and am working my butt off to lose this baby fluff. I know that I'm doing all the right things, but my mind still goes back to the days post baby when I worked out with a trainer 3 days per week, by myself the other 3 and was in the best shape of my life. Now, I'm 2 sizes larger than I was, have a closet full of great clothes that I can't wear, spend dollars on a part time nanny instead of a trainer and just feel unattractive. Sure, people say "you look great"! But what they don't know is that the fashionista in me does a good job of hiding the extra pounds. Seeing yourself physically change as well as all of the emotional changes that motherhood brings is a lot to absorb....

Now, before anyone out there judges me for being honest about how I'm feeling let me say this....I am SO GRATEFUL for my son! I'm sure if I were reading this post a year ago I would secretly hate reading a post about someone complaining about being fluffy after a baby. I would have said "just be grateful you have a child...and I am.

But, change is hard! I'm all over the place with this post...but overall, I just wanted to put it out there, my thoughts, feelings and just be real. Anyone else out there feel this way? What are you doing to lose the weight? Does anyone find that getting your body back post C-Section is challenging and if so, what did you do or are you doing to get there?

Currently, I'm exercising, but think I need to up my cardio, if only I could find the energy...Lleyton still wakes in the night and I feel exhausted most of the time. I'm using the Bob Greene strategy, as I've used his program before and it was great! I guess I just want everything back in order RIGHT NOW...I'm impatient and a type A personality which doesn't help. And to encourage myself, I have decided to treat myself to an accessory that I have always wanted if I lose the weight by the time we head to the beach in September....gotta have something to look forward to!

Also, if anyone has used the Weight Watchers Plus point system let me know....how did it work? Was it easy to prepare food and follow?

BIG HUGS

3 Marvelous Months!

2011-07-25T09:39:00.004-05:00

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

I can hardly believe that our sweet Lovie is now 3 months old! Happy 3 Marvelous Months sweet boy! Time is flying and this Mommy just wants everything to slow down. Lleyton Graeme, you are changing everyday and grow sweeter with each passing second and we are forever in love with you! You were SO WORTH the WAIT.

3 MONTHS

3 Months

What we've been up to...

Attended my first wedding!

Got my first shots...it broke my Mommy's heart

Went to dinner with friends...and I was so good!

Met my cousin for the first time! He's 3 months older than me.

Celebrated my first 4th of July!

Went to Lake Lure, NC for the first time! It was my first trip to the lake house. And my first time wearing my life jacket.

Saw my first sunset

Took my first boat ride

Helped Daddy Drive the Boat

Let My Mommy play photographer!

What You're Doing

Snuggling on Daddy

Playing under your gym!

Fussing when I've had a long day and need sleep!

You love, love, LOVE riding in your swing!

Taking a bath is SO MUCH FUN!

You love for Mommy to hold you

Rocking in your rocker with Mommy

You love Daddy holding you

Getting ready for bed is such fun!

After bath time, you like to relax while mommy rubs you with good night lotion

You are now wearing size 1 diapers

You eat 4 ounces of milk

You are coo'ing and talking all the time

You can grasp items and hold them in your hand

You lift your head up big and strong

You love to take rides in your stroller

You are now sleeping for 5 hours during the night

You love for your Mommy to sing to you

You love to snuggle up on Daddy when he gets home at night

You are smiling

You laugh out loud

You are so HAPPY in the morning!

You've just discovered your tongue

You love to touch and feel everything

3 Marvelous Months have passed so quickly....

Lleyton Graeme, the joy you bring to our lives is immeasurable. Mommy and Daddy love you with all our hearts. Everything we endured was worth it to just see you smile. Happy 3 months Lovie!

So that's about it....stay tuned for more adventures of Life with Lovie!

Much love to all my bloggie friends who continue to follow this leg of our journey. To all of my friends who are still struggling, my heart is with you, I pray for you and pray that you receive your miracle. This walk is not an easy one, but one that is definitely worth the wait.

Andrea

xxx

Life with Lovie

2011-07-13T13:46:00.001-05:00

Hello Bloggie Friends!

I told you all that I would post over the weekend and here it is Wednesday and I am just now getting this post written and hopefully published....fingers crossed, as Lleyton is playing under his little gym and I have a couple of minutes.

What's happening here? On Monday we visited our friend Dr. Catherine, as it was time for our 2 month shots. Que the tears! This Mommy just hated seeing her sweet boy get his immunizations. And, I will admit I have worried myself sick over whether or not to follow the routine schedule. I "thought" I had made a decision to do an alternative immunization schedule, which would consist of giving Lovie fewer shots at a time, and going every month instead of the usual 2mo's, 4 mo's, etc.. My mind was made up when I arrived at the clinic..

UNTIL

My sweet friend, Lovie's Dr. came in and had the alternate schedule waving it in hand. She looked at me and said "you know there is no link to vaccines and Autism". I said "well, I just don't know what to think and as a Mommy I feel the need to protect my child". She agreed and went on to say that she would allow the alternative schedule, but that Lovie would not get the Pertussis vaccine (Whooping Cough) this time and it would be another 4 weeks before he could get it and that it would not take effect for another 2 wees after that. Also, she went on to say there has been a Pertussis outbreak, etc..We talked a bit more and finally I said "Catherine, forget that you're a Dr., forget medical jargon, step in your Mommy shoes and tell me what to do!" She said "I gave my children these vaccines on the regular schedule". Then, after I agreed to the regular schedule she said "Andrea, I lost a baby to Pertussis when I was in residency".

As a Mommy, you just have to go with your gut sometimes. This was the hardest call I've had to make since Lovie's been in the world. Sure, there was the C-section call, but really there was no option and I just had to get over my fears and ultimately I wanted him here safe and sound. And now that he's here....the BIG decisions are coming and I know they won't stop. It's called being a parent and its an honor to be his mommy. The only problem is that I wante'd to do EVERYTHING right! And I know I won't....

Lovie was so good getting his shots....I just hated it! The needles seemed very long and knowing they were injected into an area with little fat made me cringe. I was ill by the time we left, but he was coo'ing and smiling and happy. My sweet boy did run a fever and I gave him baby acetaminophen every 4 hours, which helped and we continue to give him warm baths to soak his legs and I'm massaging the little lumps left by the shots. He is such a trooper! We've snuggled him tons and he's slept alot....and this mommy's glad it's over for a while.

Other than that...LIFE is LOVIE!

He weighs: 11lb 7oz and he is in the 30th percentile
Length: 23 1/4" and is in the 45th percentile
Head Circumference: 15 1/2" and is in the 35th percentile

His favorite things to do are: Ride in his swing, play under his play gym and snuggle with Mommy and Daddy.

In other news, we found a wonderful Nanny! She is very sweet and Lovie likes her alot. Having her come a couple of days a week allows me to get shopping done and other errands run without having to take him out in the miserable 100 degree Memphis heat. I'll admit, leaving him is SO HARD, but I'm adjusting.

As for me, I am adjusting to Motherhood and being a stay at home mom. It's a difficult adjustment when you've always been a career person, but so rewarding. On other fronts, I've started back working out and its kicking my butt!!! How did I get out of shape so fast? It's going to take a while to get back to the level I was before he was born, but he's worth it!

Okay, I'm going to sign off, but before I do I want to send love and sweet wishes to my Kindred Spirit, Deni, who had her little Rainbow Cala Fay last night! Ironically, Nan and I were on the phone talking when we got the text from her sister that "precious one" had made her way into the world. Mommy and Baby are doing great! Deni will fill you in on the rest....Cala came via C-section. I jokingly told Deni that she now joins Nan and I as members of the "bikini smile club". Sending you much love sweetest friend! xoxo

And Congrats to my sweet Friends Ann and Amy who are celebrating getting BFP's! I could not be happier for both of you and I am cheering you on and praying for each of you daily. God does send miracles....

Last, but not least, Congratulations to my sweet friend Bethany, who gave birth to her little son, Josiah. Welcome to the World sweet boy! Bethany also delivered him via c-section, due to some complications, but he's here and healthy....and we've added her to the bikini smile club! BIG HUGS sweet friend!

New Mother Needs ADVICE

2011-07-08T12:06:00.001-05:00

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

It has been an eternity since I last posted here and I regret it, but there has just been no time! Life has been wildly busy and sleep is something that I know little about, but our little Bunny (who I now call Lovie) is thriving and doing very well. I plan to write a catch up post with lots of pictures this weekend...fingers crossed.

At the moment, this new mommy needs some advice....HELP! Lleyton is now 11 weeks old and is taking 3-4 ounces of milk, but is NOT sleeping through the night. At best, he normally sleeps about 3 hours at a time before waking and wanting to be fed. This has been a loooong 11 weeks and this mommy is wondering where she has gone wrong. Or, if he just isn't ready to sleep longer stints.

Admittedly, I have asked too many friends if their newborns are sleeping through the night and it seems that most are...some even younger than Lovie. If you have any advice, please pass it along :)

Presently, we don't swaddle, as he absolutely hated being confined from the very first day he was born. We pressed the issue and he wouldn't sleep, as he fought until he was free. Next, I do follow a routine with him each day and he does quite well. Also, I've upped his formula (yes, formula, breast feeding was a disaster and we are both much happier having given it up!) to 4 ounces, but sometimes he only takes 3 ounces. And, I have "tried" reading Baby Wise in my spare time, but get lost in all the jargon. Anyone have a recommendation of a book that is written in plain speak? Mommy speak?

I'm going to try sticking to a later night feeding at 10:00 and then putting Lovie to bed awake, rather than asleep, as I've been doing....we shall see if this helps....stay tuned....please feel free to share what worked for you. Or, if nothing worked, share that too. LOL

And...did I mention Lovie an absolutely perfect baby other than his short sleep stints :)

Much Love
xxx
ps no proof reading, excuse the errors, there just isn't time

Little Bunny Has Arrived!

2011-05-07T17:24:00.000-05:00

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!!!

Little Bunny Has Arrived!

It's a boy!

Lleyton Graeme

Our Miracle Baby Boy was given to us by God on April 25th 2011 at 7:54 am, weighing 6lb 7oz and was 19 3/4" long.

Although sleep deprived, we are doing great and remain so incredibly grateful for this most amazing gift! He is absolutely perfect and we are totally in love!

Little Bunny made his debut a bit early and was born via c-section. He stayed breech and thus we were booked for surgery. After a spinal, which was a piece of cake, our wonderful, god send of a Dr. delivered our little miracle. I'll post again on his complete birth story, as I am pressed for time at the moment :)

Lleyton is the spitting image of his daddy, despite all his Mommy's hard work! And I do have to say that for a split second I felt robbed, as I did all the work and he looks nothing like me. Lol! When I first saw him I was in awe and then taken back by how much hair he had, as I had envisioned him/her looking so differently. Yet nothing can prepare you for the intense emotion that comes over you when you hear the words "its a BOY!" and you see that precious, innocent little creation for the very first time.

I have SO MUCH to say, but so little time these days! Perhaps I'll get our schedule perfected and have a little more time...just bear with us as we adjust because we want to share everything with you. We only need more hours in the day!

7am, waiting for surgery

7:30 am In the OR with the anesthesiologist, waiting for surgery to begin and meet little bunny

Dr. D. making the incision

It's A BOY!!! Lleyton meeting his Mommy for the first time.

For this child we prayed...and the Lord has granted what we asked of him.

This is Love

A love greater than any other...I was able to hold him for only a moment, as Dr. D. was finishing surgery.

I'm so in love!

Celebrating Little Bunny's BIRTHDAY!

Little Bunny's BIRTHDAY PARTY the nigh he was born!

Nana, Grandaddy, Nannie, Lleyton and Mommy celebrating his FIRST BIRTHDAY! We toasted with champagne and I devoured some scrumptious cup cakes!

A Mommy, A Daddy and A Miracle....Our Fairytale Came True! It was a long, hard, trying and difficult journey, but I'd do it all again to feel what I felt when I held him the very first time.

God Is Good....

Much Love and I will write again soon..stay tuned.

News From Little Bunny's Burrough!

2011-04-10T10:22:00.000-05:00

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

It seems like an eternity since I have updated and I'm so sorry. Thank you to everyone who've so lovingly checked in on the Little Bunny and his/her Mommy and for all those prayers you continue to send. I remain most appreciative and humbled by the kindness.

So, what's new here at Little Bunny's Burrough?

The Burrough is progressing! Our mural artist has been busy, busy working to finish Bunny's room and I am happy to say....She is finished! She will return today to help put things back in order and then Bunny's Daddy has a host of things to finish! Daddy keeps reminding us it Master's Weekend and we keep reminding him its "all about us"! And of course we win that one, as Daddy will be busy this afternoon with Bunny Do's!

As for photos of the nursery, stay tuned...they are still on my big camera and I am in need of a big download to my computer.

The wall mural is finished and the dresser has been given new life via faux finish. The draperies are nearing completion, as is the bedding. Our rug is finished and awaiting pick up. And the chair and ottoman are to ship at month's end...and our crib, well, it remains on back order, but may be here next week, fingers crossed :)

In other news, I'm feeling good, but a little stressed, as there is still so much to do and time is ticking away. I have a big Target run to make for last minute needs and hope that I don't forget anything. Daddy and I are packing our hospital bag today, as we want to be prepared. I've been seeing Dr. D. weekly for the past 3 weeks and as of last week my cervix has started to thin. Little Bunny remains in the breech position and due to him/her being so low there is little chance the version technique of turning our baby would even work. So, we are looking at the alternative. Not what I had envisioned, but I embrace whatever will bring this baby into our arms safely. Please continue to send those prayers, as we feel them!

Little Bunny is indeed a Little Bunny, weighing in at 4lbs as of 2 weeks ago. I am hopeful that we've hit the 5lb mark at this weeks checkup. Dr. D. isn't concerned and maintains Bunny is just going to be a little baby. But, as a Mommy, I'm concerned and had a bit of a melt down, but thanks to my precious friend Nan, who continues to put me back together, I rallied. God bless her, she's always there for me. As are my other Fab 5 friends Deni and Shandrea, who are forever saying the sweetest things and offering me reassurance and many prayers. I love you all so very, very much!

Photos:

34 Weeks

35 Weeks

36 Weeks

We officially hit the 37 week mark tomorrow! Dr. D. asked at our appointment last week if I thought I could make it 3 more weeks. I told her yes, that even though Little Bunny has not much more room to grow I was not terribly uncomfortable. I'll admit, the leg cramps at night are no fun, but we are enduring! Also, the reflux remains and the round ligament pain takes my breath at night sometimes when I turn from side to side...BUT, all of this is WORTH IT!

In other news, Little Bunny was blessed with 3 Bunny Showers! I was apprehensive of showers at first, but decided that our baby deserved to be showered with the love of friends and family. The first shower was hosted by friends in the former town in which we lived prior to moving to Europe. The second shower was a "Daddy Surprise Shower" hosted by my husbands staff and boy was he surprised! His admin assistant organized it and it was adorable! The love his staff showed him was incredible and I'm thankful that he works with such wonderful people. And, our last shower was a couples cocktail party/shower hosted here in Memphis by close friends....it was amazing! Little Bunny has everything imaginable and we are SO INCREDIBLY BLESSED!

We've also reached week 6 our of 7 of our Birth Classes! Bunny's Daddy has been a trooper to endure these 2 hour classes for the past 5 weeks, but he's learned SO much! Our class is full of the cutest people and we can't wait to meet all of their miracles. Little Bunny is at the head of the class and due first, followed by Baby K, to debut the end of May. Our instructor is a L&D nurse and she's amazing! I only wish she were going to be there with us for Bunny's Birthday :)

On other fronts, my SIL and the boys were home from Nevada for a few days and we saw our newest little love for the first time yesterday. He is beyond adorable and decided that he wasn't so enamored with his Aunt Bebe, but he loved, loved, loved Bunny's Daddy! And my hubby held and loved sweet boy all day long. Melted my heart how sweet he was with his nephew. Not to mention, my SIL gave me tons of good advice and helped me weed through the list of "must haves", which I will soon pass along. And a BIG thanks to Deni for passing along her list to me as well....love you chickie!

Okay, so I owe you all another post full of nothing but pictures...promise I'll get it done! But, for now, I'm off and running to throw laundry in the dryer before heading out to Target to finish up the to do list! Please know that I think of you all and continue to pray for each of you. And I send out God Wink's to my sweetest friend Amy on the good news that I awoke to via email this morning! It's wonderful and I'll admit I cried a river as I read your words. And other good news, my IRL friend A is 8w pregnant via FET! She endured 5 failed IUI's followed by a failed IVF cycle, but got a BFP this time following her FET. Praise God! Please pray for this family and this sweet, growing baby.

I'm signing off and send more love, more hugs, tons of prayers and baby dust always! Mwah! And God Winks to all!

Sweetest Moments: My friends M's little 4 year old asking me if she could "rub my baby". Oh how sweet, I said "of course you can rub my baby"

My Little Love, my nephew, putting his hands on my tummy, grimy little hands that had been playing in the yard all day, but oh so sweet and him looking into my eyes and just smiling. Melt my heart!

CATCHING UP!

2011-03-20T10:20:00.001-05:00

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

Wow, it has been a while since I last posted and I'm sorry it has taken me this long to catch up. I don't even know where to begin, as life has been crazy, wild, busy! We continue to be blessed with a growing baby and thank GOD every day for this miracle. It seems that I can't stop reflecting on how we arrived at this moment in our life and many tears fall, as the journey was very difficult, but so worth the pain. To each of you out there reading who remain in the throws of a struggle, I pray for you always and you are always near in thought and close at heart. Just keep Believing, Praying, Persevering, being Positive and grasp FAITH with all your might and don't let go!

As for catching up....where to begin?

33 weeks and counting!

Time has flown and I can hardly believe that I am 33 weeks and tomorrow Little Bunny will be 34 weeks! This all seemed impossible a short time ago and I wake up each day in disbelief and pinch myself, as we have 6 weeks to go. Please keep us in your prayers, as seeing the finish line brings on a new set of anxiety, fear and worry.

Overall, I feel good! This week brought about some new round ligament pains, mostly when I turn from side to side at night, but I'll take it! Fatigue has returned and I shoo it away until it plain zaps me and says "you must rest"! But there is still so much to be done and I want to take advantage of every second to finish up what is to be done. It's like I'm nesting on steroids! However, when that voice says "stop", I'm quick to retreat to a much needed nap.

Two weeks ago we started our birth classes and they have been so informative. During the first class, we all introduced ourselves and were asked to comment on "the Greatest Moment of this pregnancy" and "the Greatest Fear of this Pregnancy". Most all of the participants answered with "the first ultrasound or hearing the heart beat". I decided to keep it real and just say what was on my heart and answered with "finding out our treatment protocol had worked and that we were actually pregnant". Needless to say, there were many stares that came our way, but I felt the need to be honest, as its just not easy for everyone. I suppose I will now always be that voice of loss and infertility, but maybe God gave me that purpose and I embrace it.

Little Bunny remains in the Frank Breech position, but there is still plenty of time for him/her to turn. And he or she is the Hiccup King or Queen, as this child has bouts of hiccups all the time. Dr. D. says the hiccups are a sign of health and we like that! So bring on the hiccups :) As for me, the thorn in my side continues to be acid reflux! I'm taking Zantac 75 and try my best to only take it in the evenings...it helps.

From Here

31 Weeks

32 Weeks

33 Weeks

This top makes us look huge! Bump love, right!

New Business Venture

As many of you already know, I was approached by another business owner to join forces with her in a new business venture. My friend Kathryn owns a stationery shoppe and is expanding her business to include gift items and I will be coming on board to open the gift shoppe portion. We specialize in bridal, baby and general gift. Her stationery is amazing! It's all hand crafted and coloured by hand as well....so amazing! I'll share more on that as things progress! And I'll just say that is what has been consuming my time.

Nursery

Little Bunny's burrough is progressing! To date, the walls are painted, the crib bedding and draperies are being constructed, the dresser awaits a faux finish, the walls await a mural, the rug is bound and finished, the chandelier waiting the be hung, the ceiling medallion waiting to be painted and a glider and hassoc are being upholstered! It's all in the works and this Interior Designer will be so happy to see the finished product.

Our crib remains on back order, in true Bratt Decor fashion, as they are always on back order. But, I'm not complaining, as that is the least of the worry right? Don't sweat the small stuff :) The mural artist is to come and share her sketches and I can't wait to see them. Once the mural artist is finished with her painting and faux finish work we will be 90% finished.

I ordered the SWEET DREAMS ceiling medallion to go with a chandalier. This is not the chandalier I'm using. I ordered one from Pottery Barn that is less fussy in case Little Bunny is a Boy Bunny. The medallion comes in white and you paint it according to your colour scheme.

Crib by Bratt Decor

We Made a Decision on a Car Seat/Carrier

Finally, this indecisive Mamma made a decision on an infant carrier/car seat! After talking with many friends and reading and reading and reading we ordered our car seat! We decided on the Peg Perego Prima Viaggio SIP 30/30, colour lavande and I love it! Not to mention that I saved $100! This seat retails for $249, but after scouring the internet I was able to find it at Allbee Baby, an online store, for $189 with no tax and no shipping. Score! I ordered it and it arrived 3 days later.

Bunny's Daddy couldn't wait to open it!

Peg Perego Prima Viaggio SIP 30/30

Bunny's Daddy added the Elephant. I woke to that little elephant on my pillow one morning.

Oh the sweet things Daddy's can do!

He snuck in as I was sleeping to add this little happy to my pillow :)

New Embroidery Machine

Yep, I got it! And its absolutely fabulous! I bought the Brother PE-770 embroidery and applique machine along with Monogram Wizzard Software and will say that I am addicted to all that it does. To get started, I jumped in head first, with no knowledge of embroidery or applique, but purchased my machine from a dealer who gives free user lessons to all those who buy from his store. Let me just tell you "lessons are key", as there is so much to learn. I immersed myself in classes for 3 weeks and there is still a lot to learn, but I'm loving it!

I always thought embroidery and monogramming would be what I loved....and I do, but the applique feature is what I love the most! Here are some of the things that I have done lately.

Loving the Sock Monkey!

Whale and Plane Applique on Burp Cloths

What's Happening Today?

It's 80 degrees here in the Sunny South and I am soaking up every ray that comes my way! Little Bunny and I did a little "light" gardening yesterday and pruned back the roses, hydrangea and other various plants and trees, as well as ridding our garden of those pesky weeds! Today, we will enjoy the work we've done and take it easy, sip our Decaf Caramel Macchiato and relax in between doing some chores :)

In the coming week

This week will be another busy week! Little Bunny and I are going for our "bump" session with a photographer. I debated on whether or not to do this and decided that it would be a surprise for Bunny's Daddy. Not to mention that I wanted to document what we've waited so long for. I searched and searched for a photographer and decided to take a plunge and chose one...and I'm glad I did, as she is wonderful and we hit it off during the consultation. Stay tuned......

We will also go to see Dr. D. this week. I can not thank GOD enough for placing this angel on Earth in our path. She is kind, compassionate, witty and so very human. A couple of weeks ago I had a scare...little bunny made some very strange, unfamiliar, jerky movements and I became worried. The next morning I called Dr. D and she said to come in. She did a stress test and little bunny was fine and very active. We talked and I apologised for taking her time and she looked at me said "you are NEVER intruding on my time, its better safe than sorry and that is what I am here for". I think fear was written all over my face. At any rate, I continue to sing her praises, as she is a true god send. And a funny side note, she is great friends with and trained with 2 of my sweet friend Nan's Dr's in Philly! How ironic is that? I've never had a Dr. that I connect with on so many levels, but I've also never had a Dr. that felt like a friend. Thank you God for this blessing!

Much love to each and every one of you who follow this blog. I can not even begin express the love that I feel each time I read your comments. I'm following your blogs too with each opportunity I get. I may not post a comment, but know that I am reading, praying for you, sending hugs and cheering you on! Have a wonderful week and may God continue to hold you in his grasp.

Today's Quote: Don't fly faster than your Guardian Angel can Soar.

INFERTILITY, The TODAY Show got it right! Watch This!

2011-02-24T18:11:00.000-06:00

Alisyn Camerota: Why I'm speaking out about my struggle with infertility"
I really kept it secret. So many women do," FOX News anchor Alisyn Camerota says. Now she explains, in her own words, why she's speaking out about her struggle with infertility.

Hello Bloggie Friends,
I saw this on the Today show and wanted to pass it along. Hearing her words was very healing for me, as she validates our struggles. I sobbed through the entire piece, but admire her tenacity, strength and willingness to help others. See what she has to say and visit the link below.

By Alisyn Camerota, "FOX & Friends" anchor

Click HERE for the link and video...I HIGHLY RECOMMEND WATCHING

Why would I want to go on national television and talk about something as personal as infertility? Believe me, I wasn't always this open about it. I kept the secret from most everyone in my life: my coworkers, relatives, my best friends, my parents. I was afraid if I told anyone they would turn into clock-watchers, forever asking if I was pregnant yet.

Alisyn Camerota of "Fox and Friends" tried in vain for years to have a child. She tells Ann Curry that the experience made her determined to help other women struggling with the issue.

But even in the midst of my ordeal, I vowed that if I were ever on the other side of infertility, I would do whatever I could to help those still struggling -- hence why I'm here today. Still, I understand that people are squeamish about phrases like "sperm count." But it's vital that those of us who can talk about it, do.

Infertility has long been a taboo subject, which has only served to make those who suffer from it feel more embarrassed and isolated. And the silence has serious consequences: Doctors dismiss infertility more easily than other diseases, insurance companies feel they don't have to cover it and it certainly doesn't get the funding for research that other diseases do. Nowhere close.

So now I talk -- and do whatever I can to raise awareness and to encourage anyone struggling to find a support group so that they can share their struggle with others who can relate. To find the closest group to you, go to Resolve.org. You don't have to feel alone.

Much Love and I hope you enjoyed the piece...
XXX

It's Been a While, but I'm still here!

2011-02-23T08:35:00.000-06:00

Good Morning Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

Wow, its been a while since I last posted on my blog! I continue to wonder where the time goes, but found a few minutes this morning to catch up. And I may not be posting here, but I read all of your blogs when I can.

What's Happening?
Oh my, where to start....so here is the latest from the home front

New Business Venture

During the past month I was approached by a friend who owns a business and asked me to join forces with her. My business background is in Interior Design, Merchandising and Buying. So, I am now the official Merchandiser and Buyer for her amazing new shoppe. She specializes in hand made stationery and it's beyond fabulous! Every piece is created by hand, whether it be letter press or hand water coloured pieces. I will be adding many wonderful gift lines to the new shoppe.

At the moment, I am in the throws of meeting with artisans and product representatives. I want to make the most of my time and make certain our gift lines are in stock and the shoppe looks great on opening day of the new store. Can we say I'm a little nutty to be taking this on? Yes, but its a great opportunity!

Monogram It and Applique it!

I'm excited to say that I have a fantabulous new Monogram, Embroidery and Applique machine! I've been taking weekly lessons with my fab sewing instructor, Jackie, and am loving my this new equipment! Stay tuned for the latest creations....and keep your fingers crossed that my poor prego brain can absorb all the instructions!

Oh, and I got a whole lot more than just an instructor. I consider Jackie my friend, as we have the common bond of struggling with fertility. She and her husband suffered infertility and exhausted all of their resources. They pursued everything and as she says, begged and borrowed from family and friends, etc...Eventually, they decided to adopt and found who they thought to be the perfect birth Mother, who went on to change her mind on Thanksgiving day, shortly after giving birth. Crushed and broken they clung to faith and persevered on. Another family selected them and today they have their son. I cried a river as she told me her story....we compared notes and bared our souls. I consider her "A Carefully Placed Angel in My Life". God sure does know what we need, even when we don't know what we need ourselves.

Little Bunny News!

Little Bunny and I have reached 30 weeks! I can hardly believe the time is passing so quickly and I remain so thankful. Each day I thank God numerous times for this incredible miracle, as we are so in love with our baby.

At 28 weeks we went for the much anticipated 3D scan and were guarded but there was an air of excitement, as we were looking forward to seeing little Bunny's profile...meeting our baby face to face :) Immediately, as Dr. D. started the scan she exclaimed "this baby is breech"! And what do you know, little Bunny was all folded up like a clam in the Frank Breech position with his/her feet up by the ears. Our sweet Dr. tried her best to give us a glimpse of little Bunny, but there was just no way to get a good profile shot due to the awkward position. We will get scanned again at 35 weeks to see if Bunny has turned.

Yesterday, we had our 30 week checkup and all is well. Dr. D. whispered to little Bunny and told him/her they can turn for her! We still have plenty of time so I'm not letting things worry me. I can feel little Bunnys head to the right of my belly button and all the little kicks and jabs are way down low. So different from when he/she was head down. But, whatever position, we will take it!

How I'm Feeling?

So far, so good! Little Bunny and I try to get in a 30-40 minute walk each day or at least every other day. I do miss my daily workouts and wonder how hard it will be to get back in the fitness groove, but wouldn't trade a good workout for our sweet baby. There will be time for that later!

The round ligament pains hit me when I turn from side to side while sleeping and last night foot cramping debuted as I slept. I've also experienced some mild cramping, which I attribute to Bunny's growing. And of course there is the usual fatigue, which isn't terrible, but when it hits, it hits hard and fast! Yet, there are also bursts of energy, which I love! I'm also loving my Boppy, as it keeps the hip pain away! Overall, I'm no different than anyone else and have the same little aches and pains of pregnancy and I'm happy to experience them and feel blessed to be in this moment.

I can hardly believe we have just 10 weeks to go! As Dr. D. said yesterday, "welcome to the 4th quarter"! The short length of time has me buzzing about making final preparations for little Bunny's nursery and readying the nest and tying up any and all loose ends. Each day I have a Looong list of To Do's and my Hubby's "Honey Do" list is growing as well.

Bunny continues to be a wiggle worm and its amazing to feel all those little kicks, twists, bumps and kicks. Occasionally, I will even catch a glimpse of a little hand or foot moving across my tummy!

Wrap Up

So that is about it for today from here. I continue to pray for all of you and ask that you continue to pray for us. I still experience those bouts of anxiety and don't think I will feel relieved until Little Bunny is safe in my arms.

Best Moment

Bunny's Daddy saying to me "You look beautiful wearing little Bunny"

The tummy kisses that Daddy gives Little Bunny each day before going to work, followed by the words "I love you".

Today's Quote:

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine. ~Anthony J. D'Angelo

Much Love and God Winks to All!
xxx

Joyful Heart Meets Heavy Heart & Other Ramblings

2011-02-06T11:42:00.000-06:00

Hello Bloggie Friends!

Well, another week has come and gone and again I have no idea where the time has gone, as it continues to escape me. Yet, I remain thankful for another week of goodness and another week of blessings. This week has brought about much reflection for me...reflection on how precious LIFE is, how LIFE moves on whether we embrace it or not and just how much we often take for granted. I'm reminded to celebrate "the little things".

Celebrate Friendship

When I think of friendship, my heart is SO FULL, as I have been blessed with some amazing friendships. When my heart is joyful I have those beautiful friends to share with. And when my heart is heavy, I too, have a wonderful support system of those who wrap me in their arms and offer that soft place to fall. I am grateful, abundantly grateful.

One friendship that is near and dear to me is one that I formed with a sweet, sweet, person who has suffered miscarriage and infertility just as I have. We met in a support group and forged a friendship. Neither of us blogged a the time and then I started my blog and encouraged her to start one as well. My friends name is Ann and I would greatly appreciate it if you would stop by her blog and say HELLO, offer her your love, support and encouragement and FOLLOW Ann's journey to bring home a baby. CLICK HERE to send her some Blog Love.

Heavy Heart

How can it be that the heart can be so HEAVY, yet so FULL simultaneously? It seems odd that the two can often ride in tandem doesn't it. That the sun can shine and there can be rain at the same time. I've experienced sunshine and LIFE's thunderstorm of the heart for many days now. You see, my heart aches right now, as my hero, my friend Maria is preparing to leave us in preparation for Heaven.  She's been battling pancreatic cancer, with great tenacity and resilience I might add, for quite some time now.

I'm broken....My husband and I met Maria and her husband when we joined a local country club when we were first married 10 years ago. Most of the members were much older than us, but we were welcomed with open arms by a group of 50+ men and women who overlooked age and took us in. We became part of such a special circle and formed life long bonds that we treasure always. I will always "treasure this friendship".

In talking with our "older friends" this week, I expressed my sadness, how my heart was broken and my unwillingness to accept Maria's leaving.  The older set consoled me by telling me that she is tired and ready and they have accepted her fate. Perhaps age has prepared them for what I am not yet willing to embrace. For me, I see a woman deserving of life here on Earth. A life to enjoy with her husband, who she adores and her children and grandchildren who love their mother and grandmother. And I'm reminded of just how unfair things can be sometimes. I'm reminded that she will never get to see/know our baby and that troubles me, as she knows our struggles. Yet, I "know" that God has her safely wrapped in his arms and I pray that he will provide my simple human mind with greater understanding.  I ask for your prayers.....

Joyful Heart

On a happier note, tomorrow will mark week 28 and the beginning of the 3rd Trimester! I can hardly believe how time is passing and I remain so GRATEFUL to God for this miracle.  I don't take it for granted, not one second, and vow to raise this child to know "His Grace".

Overall, I feel good, just some odd aches and pains along the way, but I gladly accept them as growing pains. And I'm sad to report that reflux and heart burn have debuted, darn! Zantac is my new nightly friend. I continue to work on my issues with anxiety, which is ever present, but I try to focus on being FAITHFUL. It makes all the difference :) Little Bunny is growing for sure! He/She is active and I can feel the symphony of movements. My tummy continues to grow and is steadily pushing outward. I have to admit that it's a bit odd seeing myself in this light, but I would not change anything about it...absolutely nothing! Grow baby grow! As for exercise, my precious friend Jo Jo continues to meet me each day to walk. She spins and then meets me to walk...how sweet is that! I'm walking at a slow pace, not nearly my normal run/walk pace, but I'm making strides and that is all that matters.

Thoughts of Little Bunny's gender fill my mind and we continue to refer to Bunny as a "he". Not sure why, but we do. However, we will be most grateful for a BOY Bunny or a GIRL Bunny. I laughingly told a friend this week that maybe our next ultrasound will provide us a clue as to gender if we're lucky enough to see a clear view of his/her sweet face. But, there will be no below the belt shots, as we've vowed to "wait and see" so stay tuned....

Nursery On My Mind

I can hardly believe that I've made strides in planning Little Bunny's room. It seems surreal that I could actually select and order a crib and go forward with designing drapery and bedding, etc... I'll admit, it's not always easy, but I'm moving forward and trying to live in the now.

Venetian Crib by Bratt Decor

Yesterday, Bunny's Daddy painted his/her room. When we woke up yesterday my Hubby said "It's cold and the golf course is closed....this would be a good day to paint Little Bunny's room". I told him that I needed to decide on a paint color and made myself crazy evaluating little 2 inch squares of paint samples to select the perfect color. Did you know there are 1 million, 300 billion colors of cream? Seriously, how can I select paint for a client in 10 minutes and agonize of a shade of cream? But, I did! Navajo White has never looked more wonderful. I commented that I loved it and Hubby's response was that I better, as he wasn't doing it again :) Ummm, once I had him re-paint a room 2 times! Designers are known for "tweaking" things every now and then. LOL

Painting Begins!

Before

After

Antique chest to be painted and faux finished. It's been rumored that its a sin to paint a mahogany chest. Yep! Unless you're a designer! And if that designer is "moi" then my motto is this...some rules are just made to be broken ;)

Daddy's rewarding himself with some vino tonight for his painting efforts! And Mommy, she gets a little Belly Bar treat!

What's Cooking

Black Bean and Corn Salsa

Photo courtesy of the Food Network

Black Bean and Corn Salsa

Ingredients:

2 (15oz) cans black beans, rinsed and drains

1 (17oz) can whole kernel corn, drained

2 Large tomatoes, seeded and chopped (I use Roma tomatoes)

1 Large avocado, peeled and chopped

1 purple onion, chopped

1/8 to 1/4 c. fresh chopped cilantro

3 to 4 Tbsp. olive oil

1 Tbsp. red wine vinegar

1 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. pepper

Combine all ingredients in a large bowl. Cover and chill for several hours so flavors can blend. Serve with tortilla chips. Makes 6 cups.

*Side note: I add more red wine vinegar to taste. Also, this salsa is yummy in a whole grain wrap heated or not with a dollop of sour creme and topped with cheese. Great low calorie snack or lunch.

Random Thoughts:

Casual Rudeness...this week I took notice of just how many people practice "casual rudeness". It annoys me! It only takes a second to be nice to someone.

This is "My Space"...do you ever encounter people who want to encroach on your "personal space"? People who want to talk "in your face"? Or those who keep pushing closer to you in the check out line? Talk about a personal pet peeve of mine! Reminds me of a Seinfeld episode...."this is my space, this is your space" LOL

Discoveries of the week: Sunsweet Apricots! I'm loving them!

My new Cuddle Boppy! This is the smaller version of the Body Boppy pregnancy pillow. I love this pillow, its just what the pain in my hips ordered. I tried the Body Boppy first, but for me it was like wrestling an alligator in bed! A queen bed just was not big enough for the 3 of us and an alligator!!!

Cuddle Boppy Pillow

Upcoming Weekend Adventures: I'm excited that we will be heading to Nashville, TN this weekend for the Nashville Antiques and Garden Show! It's such a fun weekend and I love the city of Nashville. Our friends A&C are going with us and I can't wait. I see shopping, great food and lots of laughs in our future!

Best Advice of the Week: When someone hurts you, insults you, or betrays you....offer love. Even when you want to lash out, offer love. Love through the storm. This came to me at a time when I needed it, as someone had disappointed me. Thanks Joel Osteen!

Best Moment(s) of the Week: (1) Prayer and walks with God. (1) A talk that I had with my mother. (1) Feeling Little Bunny's movement and seeing his/her growth.

Today's Quote:

"The more we express our gratitude to God for our blessings, the more he will bring to our mind other blessings. The more we are aware of to be grateful for, the happier we become."
- Ezra Taft Benson

Have a wonderful week sweetest Bloggie Friends! Please keep my friend Maria and her family in your prayers, as she is now in hospice care and the sunset of life draws near. Love and Prayers and GOD WINK's to all ;)

xxx

Random Ramblings

2011-01-30T17:33:00.001-06:00

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

I'm not even sure where to start, as I have completely lost track of time since my last post. Continually, I ask myself "where does the time go"? And, I've yet to find the answer. So, after a long, industrious day of domestic bliss I am sitting with my tootsies up in an effort to catch up.

Lately, I have been organizing the nest and making some efforts to rid our home of things that we no longer need. I've sifted through drawers, closets, cabinets and you name it! Whew, its exhausting, but feels super, duper good to have passed along things to others who can make use of them. I had a rule when cleaning out my closet....if I had not worn it in the past 2 years then it had to go! Let's just say I had mountain of items to pass along, but oh the extra room in my closet is delicious!

Banana Bread
Other than that, I have been surfing the net for recipes and trying my hand at some new and some old favorites. One that I'll share is for Banana Bread. Use those almost extinct bananas and turn them into a little piece of heaven on the tongue!

Recipe: by Paula Deen

1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, at room temperature

1 cup sugar

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1-1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon baking powder

3 ripe bananas, mashed

Preheat the oven to 350. Grease a 9×5 loaf pan. In a mixing bowl, combine the butter and sugar; mix well. Add the salt, eggs, vanilla, flour, baking soda, baking powder and bananas. Mix well. Pour the batter into the prepared pan and bake for 50 minutes.

*Side note: I had to cook the bread for an hour, as I used a glass loaf pan. Use the toothpick test (insert toothpick and if it comes out clean its done) and you will know when its done. This bread is yummy!

Little Bunny News

Little Bunny will officially be 27 weeks tomorrow! I continue to thank God every day for this miracle and take not one second for granted. The anxiety can often be overwhelming, but I do my best to live in the moment and be grateful. He/She is super active and I love feeling the kicks, squirms and random movements.

We visited Dr. D. for the glucose test and got a thumbs up on testing negative for gestational diabetes. I breathed a deep sigh of relief, as I'm ever grateful for these results. Dr. D. continues to be such an amazing Dr. and I thank God for her too. She never rushes her patients, answers all questions and has the gift of making her office feel like home...so different from the large group where I was once a patient.

During our last appointment Dr. D. measured my bump and commented that it was growing. She took the time to show me exactly where my uterus was and helped me feel the top. Then, she listened to Little Bunny's heart rate and it was loud and strong and is still hovering in the low 140's. I have to admit I am now growing very curious as to gender, but gladly await the surprise.

I continue to feel good and am experiencing more prominent bouts of round ligament pain, but nothing that isn't tolerable. Also, reflux has made its debut, which is a bummer, but a part of this miracle, so I embrace it and am thankful for Zantac.

Bump Notes

The bump is growing and I am so behind on pictures. So here are a few to catch up....

25 Weeks

Rocking the belted bump!

26 Weeks

Random Ramblings

Bring on the Gummies!

How do you know you are loved? When your precious friend sends you a care package with a 6lb bag of Gummy Bears! I laughed so hard when I opened the package and thank you from the bottom of my heart. How incredibly thoughtful....and her Hubby found them while shopping :) So SWEET, literally!

Hold Load of Yumminess!

Snow-fabulous!

Yep, this is the deep South, home of Elvis and land of the Blues, but lately its been blanketed in cotton candy SNOW! Well, until Friday when a heat wave hit and we basked in 67 degrees of sunshine! Crazy!

Guilty Pleasure

Yep, I admit it, I'm guilty! This morning I found myself sucked into watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. What? I still can't believe it. I've only watched 3 episodes, but boy oh boy are these women intense. I'm incredibly guilty of indulging in the fabulosity...not so much in them, but in the fashion and jewels. Holy Moly, it's like Vogue on steroids!
All I can say is Hummm....I'm not a fan of reality TV, but when I watched I was left speechless. Do women really behave like this?

Sweet Moments

Hubby kissing my tummy and telling Little Bunny that He/She is the love of our lives....cue the tears!

Hubby has been reading the book Guess How Much I Love You to Little Bunny at bed time. The story is my absolute favorite and the inspiration behind our nursery...which I have actually started working on. I'm making little strides each week on the design and will share when I have some things ironed out. My friend Jo Jo has been my support system through this process, holding my hand each step of the way and reminding me of the perfectionist and planner that I am, urging me to prepare for our baby. I'm thankful for her.

photo courtesy of Amazon.com

Sweet Hubby sorting all the laundry! Sounds like nothing, but I appreciated it so much today when I simply had to just empty sorted baskets into the washer. It really is about "the little things".

Funny of the Week

Hubby pouring over a school directory, lent to us by a friend, in search of names for our baby. I watched as he gazed at the book and then took a legal pad out of his brief case and began adding his favorites to what looked like a growing list. He has "the list" under lock and key and shooed me away! I suppose he will reveal his list when he's ready. Love it!

Faith Notes

I believe that there is an explanation for everything, so, yes, I believe in miracles.
~Robert Brault

Have a wonderful week! God Winks to all ;)
xoxo

It's an Emotional Process

2011-01-16T10:07:00.001-06:00

Happy Sunday Sweetest Bloggie Friends,

It's a quiet morning and the end of a busy week and I'm sitting here snuggled up in my cozy bed, decaf vanilla latte in hand. I can certainly say this has been quite a week filled with many things to check off the "To Do" list, which seems to be ever growing, but accomplishments were made.

As I made my way through the week many thoughts faded in and out of my mind. The first was the sadness that I felt for a fellow blogger who has been struggling with infertility for some time now. Recently, she faced another pregnancy announcement, that of a fellow infertile, only to learn of the announcement second hand and not from the "friend" herself. The news was crushing, as she'd championed this woman along in her journey and this individual didn't even give her the courtesy of an email, but allowed her to be completely blind sighted. As I read I wondered "who does this"? Who leaves a fellow infertile in the dust only to indulge in ones self? Those thoughts bother me and brought about great reflection.

When I started this blog I was immersed in the pain of losing a child. Not only had I lost the baby I had waited so long for, but I had lost all dreams and aspirations I had for this child. So, in an attempt to repair myself I started blogging. This blog would serve as my journal of emotions and thoughts as I grieved and began TTC again. Thus, "Life, Love and Pursuit of Our Fairytale" began.

While blogging I received so much love and support while we dealt with repeated failed cycles, transition from OB to RE and a battery of test and the revelation of my borderline FSH level. Fellow bloggers stood by me and supported me and championed me along through the worst days of my life. In return I tried to do the same. I supported fellow infertiles as well as those who were adopting or those who had conceived. It was important to me that I continued to support each of these people, despite my own disappointments.

To date, I have watched many pass me by with announcements and bring home miracle babies. I've triumphed for them while my own heart was broken. Viewed countless pregnancy photos and newborn photos as I smiled through tears. Oh so happy for them, but admittedly wondering "why not me". Yet, I knew that through my pain there was also comfort in seeing success.  And I do love a success story, no matter the means by which one achieves her dreams....fertility treatment, adoption, etc..it's ALL GOOD!

Finally, the tide would turn and it became my turn, I was pregnant...it had happened despite the odds. I've yet to write my complete story, but someday I will.  Honestly, parts of it are just too painful to revisit. The time had come for me to share my news with those who had passed along so much love and support and I agonized with how to make such an announcement, as I "knew" it would hurt many.

For days I looked for the perfect words....and did lots of soul searching, prayed to God for guidance and finally found the words. I wanted to tell the Fab 4 first (Nan, Shandrea, Deni and Angie, whom I met in a miscarriage support group), when the time was right for each and did so through a group email.  What I felt was happiness shadowed by tremendous guilt. That I was moving forward, with uncertainty I might add, but that I had crossed over and they stood in the quicksand had engulfed me for so long. Later, with a heavy heart, I made the announcement on my blog and did so as compassionately as I could.  It was SO difficult.....

My followers were fabulous and many have stayed to champion me along and I appreciate each of you SO VERY MUCH. Others abandoned reading and following, as it was just too difficult for them, which I understand, but I won't lie, it does hurt.  I just felt so guilty that I had succeeded while others were still struggling. I have always been one to invest in others though, as I get that quality from both my Mother and Grannie. However, I realize we are all built very differently and process things the best we can.

Ultimately, what I am saying is this...."Do Unto Others". I was offered this bit of advice early on from my friend Nan. Treat others as you want to be treated. Set aside "self for others". Be careful in how you handle things and always put yourself in anothers shoes. Offer the same kindness and support that have been offered to you...compassion is everything! Had the infertile I was speaking of earlier handled her announcement differently and contacted her friend via email or a simple phone call much hurt could have been lessened and there would have been understanding instead of insult to injury.

I'm sure you are ready for me to get off my soapbox now, so I will.....

*Pregnancy Photos and Pregnancy Talk to Follow. If you opt to skip this part I understand :)

I'll end by sharing that Little Bunny and I hit the 24 week mark this week and will hit 25 weeks on Monday. The week has flown by. I continue to struggle with making strides in preparing for Little Bunny, but did manage to look at some nursery items with the support of my dear friend Jo Jo. And I even managed to cross off "Find Maternity Jeans" off my list, thanks to my precious bloggie friend Lauren. I tried every pair of jeans that at A Pea in the Pod had in stock! But, I left with a great pair of dark denim Mavi Jeans. Can I just say it was money well spent, as they are Super Comfy!

Little Bunny continues to amaze his/her Daddy and I and we love feeling the many movements. I'm feeling pretty good, despite some hip pain, but nothing that I can't tolerate. Heart burn and reflux have appeared and although not fun its treatable. The bump has taken shape and is no longer in hiding, thus making the wardrobe challenging, but thanks to the fabulous advice in the book Bump It Up I'm having fun exploring fashion again. I talk to Little Bunny all the time and tell him/her how much I love him.....and I pray to god many times each day for granting us this miracle.

Here are a couple of photos.....

Little Bunny and I layered up for our day out in the chilly 19 degree weather. Please remind me, is this really the South? My Mother in Law made the wool baret.

This weeks verse: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. [Matthew 7:12]

Have a wonderful new week sweet friends and I continue to be thankful for your friendship, support and the love and care you send to me. God Wink's to All!

Southern Comfort Food!

2011-01-14T09:39:00.000-06:00

Southern Comfort Food!

Okay Bloggie Friends, since the cold weather is holding on here in the South I thought I would post this delish recipe for an alternate version of Chili. It's super easy and oh so Yummy!!!

White Chicken Chili

Courtesy of: Paula Deen

Ingredients

1 pound dried navy beans

5 cups chicken stock

4 tablespoons (1/2 stick) butter

1 tablespoon minced garlic

3/4 cup diced onion

1 1/2 cups chopped green chiles (fresh or canned)

1 pound boneless, skinless chicken breasts, finely chopped

1 tablespoon ground cumin

1 tablespoon dried oregano

1 to 2 teaspoons ground black pepper

1/2 teaspoon white pepper

Pinch red pepper flakes

1/2 bunch cilantro leaves, chopped

Directions

Rinse beans well, cover with cool water, and soak for 2 hours. Drain. Put the beans in large pot with the chicken stock and bring to a boil over high heat.

In a saucepan, heat the butter over medium heat. Add the garlic, onion, and chiles and saute for 5 minutes. Add chile mixture to pot with beans. Add the chicken, cumin, oregano, pepper, white pepper, red pepper flakes, and cilantro. Lower the heat to medium and cook, stirring occasionally, for approximately 1 1/2 hours. Serve with cornbread, if desired.

***Side note: Have extra chicken stock on hand, as I needed to add more as it cooked (due to using a gas range). Also, I used a roasted chicken breast that was already cooked and pulled it off the bone and topped the chili with it....short cut and easy! You may also top with some shredded cheese and a dallop of sour creme if you like. And I omitted the red pepper flakes and chiles, as I didn't want it spicy, but the flavor was wonderful without.

Have a fantabulous weekend! Stay warm, snuggle up and try your hand at this recipe! It won't disappoint :) What's your favorite comfort food? Do tell!

Let It Snow & Comfort Food!

2011-01-12T18:35:00.000-06:00

Let It SNOW!

Living in the South we don't see the white stuff that often and oh what a treat! It started falling around 6pm

and it fell....

and fell...

and fell!

It blanketed all things big and small

It wrapped itself around my plants like spun cotton candy! The beauty was serene...Can someone remind me this is the SOUTH! Today's temp was 18 degrees and I'll just say that I'm glad these temps aren't going to hang around very long. To those of you out East, burrrr! That nor'easter looks nasty so stay warm and be safe.

The Snow brought about a much needed snow day and I was guilty of lounging in my jammies until noon! Then it was off to do a little cooking...comfort food that is! Do you like to cook? If so, what are your favorites?

What's Cooking?

Comfort Food!

Potato and Leek Soup

When Hubby and I lived in Belgium soups were a part of all winter meals. And Potato & Leek was a sure favorite of ours! It's yummy and if you think you don't like leeks, think again, cause this is a tummy pleaser.

I enjoy cooking when I have time to plan meals and love trying new recipes.

This is what a leek looks like. It's in the onion family and you will only use the "white part". Discard the green leafy part.

Sauteing the Leeks

Soup topped with shredded cheddar cheese and sour dough baguette rounds

Recipe: Potato & Leek Soup

Ingredients:

1 pound leeks, cleaned and dark green sections removed, approximately 4 to 5 medium

3 tablespoons unsalted butter

Heavy pinch kosher salt, plus additional for seasoning

14 ounces, approximately 3 small, Yukon gold potatoes, peeled and diced small

1 quart vegetable broth

1 cup heavy cream

1 cup buttermilk

1/2 teaspoon white pepper

1 tablespoon snipped chives

Directions

Chop the leeks into small pieces.

In a 6-quart saucepan over medium heat, melt the butter. Add the leeks and a heavy pinch of salt and sweat for 5 minutes. Decrease the heat to medium-low and cook until the leeks are tender, approximately 25 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Add the potatoes and the vegetable broth, increase the heat to medium-high, and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat to low, cover, and gently simmer until the potatoes are soft, approximately 45 minutes.

Turn off the heat and puree the mixture with an immersion blender until smooth. Stir in the heavy cream, buttermilk, and white pepper. Taste and adjust seasoning if desired. Sprinkle with chives and serve immediately, or chill and serve cold. *I serve with a sour dough baguette and top with a little shredded cheddar cheese.

Bon Appetit!

Have a Wonderful week and God Wink's to all ;)
xxx

Bond of Infertiles

2011-01-09T14:04:00.002-06:00

Happy Sunday Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

As I sit here typing I ask myself "where has this week gone"? Time seems to get past me somehow these days....we've had a busy week of playing catch up around here.

The week started with a Dr. visit to check in on Little Bunny and all is well. My OB continues to be amazing and always takes time to answer my questions, never rushing me and we always have something to laugh about, which is nice. Dr. D. is so down to earth, kind and compassionate and I thank God for her daily.

Little Bunny continues to be very active and always leaves me smiling when I feel those little thumps. I talk to him/her regularly, telling him how much I love him and am in awe of how much he/she is growing and how time is passing. God has truly blessed our lives and we remain grateful.

I continue to feel good, despite a scare this week with some blurred vision. The episode only lasted about 15 minutes and happened after I had finished walking very slowly on the treadmill at the gym. Naturally, it frightened me, but I quickly googled things and was comforted by what I read. However, I did call Dr. D. to confirm, as she is not a fan of Dr. Google, and she advised more water intake and that what I experienced was normal, given I had no other symptoms. Whew, the anxiety!

On a happy note, Hubby felt little Bunny move for the very first time this morning. What an incredible moment!

The Bond of Infertiles

As for other things, hubby and I attended a wedding this weekend and met another sweet couple. The talk turned to my being pregnant and things unraveled in conversation from there....It was revealed the couple had longed for a child for years, journeyed the road of infertility and treatment to be disappointed again and again.  Until, their miracle baby appeared!  She was 47 and he was near 50. Their baby boy thrived and was well until pre eclampsia (sp?) hit and precious Clayton made his way into the world at 25 weeks. He IS a true miracle and survived, is healthy and is now 8 years old.

We exchanged stories and its amazing how you can form an instant bond with a fellow infertile in mere minutes.  Later, we went to dinner together and I feel as if we will remain friends for a long time. God sure does forge wonderful friendships!

Also, I learned on Friday night that my dear friend Carmen (fellow baby loss mom) is 13w pregnant! Her road has not been easy either. Please keep her in your prayers.

If you are reading and struggling, thinking of how sick and tired you are of reading others success stories and thinking "when is it my turn"? I hope that you can find HOPE in these 2 stories of others who've walked this journey. I'll be the first to admit that I felt the same way...bitter and jealous. That old happy for them, but sad for me song playing in my head like a broken record. Yep, its normal, so don't feel guilty. Don't beat yourself up for no longer reading blogs of those who are expecting or those who've crossed over into Motherhood to earthly children or for just being angry. Trust me, I was very angry that I had been dealt such a raw deal. Once, I was even jealous of a pregnant friend who'd suffered multiple losses...how twisted is that! It wasn't that I was not happy for her, but that I was struggeling so badly and couldn't come to terms with my own situation and pinned my disppointment on anyone and anything I could. Looking back, I understand why I felt like I did, but am ashamed of how I felt. Talk about guilt.

So, when you are down and experience all those awful feelings toward others remember this.....

Your MIRACLE is just around the corner...continue to BELIEVE.

I pray that each of you has a wonderful new week. Each of you remain in my prayers and I pray for your specific needs. I pray this new year brings about prosperity and health for all! And a Big CONGRATS going out to my bloggie friend Lori, as she and her husband John recently welcomed their beautiful son Luke into the world. He's beautiful and such a gift from God. Much Love sweet friend!

Much Love and Prayers Always,
xxx

Symphony of Thoughts at 22 Weeks

2010-12-30T12:52:00.001-06:00

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

Can you believe the New Year is just around the corner? I can...and lately I find myself reflecting on the many moments of 2010. And I won't kid myself, many of those moments were spent in the valley, under grey skies, on a yellow brick road full of potholes that seemed to be all up hill. I pee'd on countless sticks, temped and charted endless cycles, shot Robitussin, bathed in Pre-Seed, became a sexual contortionist, propped my hips, gave up caffeine and alcohol, doubted myself, cried a river of tears, anticipated adoption, landed on a shrinks sofa, read every TTC tip know to man, wore more paper skirts and assumed the position more times than I want to count, and tightly held hands with disappointment as I trudged on and prayed daily for the greatest storm of my LIFE to pass.

Looking back is painful.....

However, moving forward comes with its own set of issues as well. No one really prepares you for the barrage of emotions that you feel when you cross over. The fears, the anxiety, the doubt and oh yes, more tears. My head has been filled with worry since the day I first saw my BFP. I worried if my Betas were rising and when they were I moved on to worrying about what we would see at our first ultrasound. From there on it was anxiety about future ultrasounds, the NT Scan, etc... Every beautiful day brings forward another set of obstacles.

Initially, I thought I would feel more secure once Little Bunny hit 12 weeks, or 16 weeks or 20 weeks, but the worries still keep coming. I suppose they will until I hold him/her in my arms. Or, as my dear friend Nan told me, "you will never stop worrying", even once they get here. Whew, this road of life following loss is a hard one to navigate as well. But, I thank GOD every day that I am on it!

What Else is New Around Here?

Christmas:

Christmas was so nice...quiet and relaxing. Hubby and I spent the holiday at home and my Mom came to be with us. Our extended family was strewn from Nevada to Seattle this year. Sad, but we are thankful that everyone is healthy and we look forward to next year.

This was our Christmas card. I never knew just how many people were praying for us until I sent this card. The phone calls, text and letters of well wishes were overwhelming. Our hearts were touched in profound ways and we continue to Thank GOD for this MIRACLE. I didn't send this card to all of my baby loss friends still struggling, but opted for another, as I can remember how I felt last year when I continued to get cards with announcements and photos of children. It just hurt too much and I would never want to do that to anyone else.

This was a favorite gift that I received from my Mom. It's by Willow Tree and is titled "Awaiting a Miracle". You can imagine the river of tears that followed upon opening it.

I also received a precious note in my stocking from my husband which read:

It isn't the gifts, it isn't the tree, it's being together...that's Christmas to me. Long after the holidays have ended I'll still be celebrating the best gift of all....

You and Little Bunny

Next year we will be celebrating with a 1/2 year old! Can't wait for our little thumper :)

And, I can't wait for this....I've always loved photography and look forward to getting behind the lens!

And oh what a Surprise did appear on December 22nd!

We welcomed the newest addition to our family 3 weeks early. He is the son of my Brother and SIL and has a Big Brother, my Little Love. Apparently, he wanted to see Santa this year! We remain thankful to GOD that he is healthy and arrived safe. I can't wait to see him, but due to my inability to fly it will be a while. I know he and Little Bunny are going to have many adventures!

Frolicking, Fun and a Sugar Rush!

My Friend Jo Jo took me for a holiday treat to my favorite cup cake bakery! It's the absolute best...

Wee Jay making the boxes for the countless orders! I love this lady...she has brightened my day with her sweet spirit more times than I can count.

Oh sweet spoon full of sugared bliss!

We indulged in (from top to bottom) Pink Peppermint Butter cream & Chocolate, Coconut with 7 minute frosting and my Favorite, S'mores! It was a tiny taste of heaven! This place ROCKS!

Check out the line, need I say more? You gotta go...Muddy's Bake Shoppe, Memphis, TN!

And then there's this...

22 Weeks!

What's happening?

Maternity Clothes: Yes, and I keep looking for things that are super comfy! I could absolutely live in leggings and tunics...if only I could find more tunics.

Tunic from Belly Dance Maternity

I found this reference in this months issue of Pregnancy magazine. Suppose I'm going to order it! Every fashionista could use a few style tips...right? Available on Amazon.com. Book by: Amy Tara Koch, style expert for VOGUE.

How I'm Feeling: I feel good despite some hip pain that comes and goes. The mild cramping still appears on occasion, usually at night, but is nothing intense and follows no pattern. I continue to drink tons of water and think the cramping is due to a growing baby and stretching uterus. And, yes, the round ligament pain keeps rearing its head, but I welcome it :)

Sleep: Oh sweet sleep where have you gone? I'm sleeping well, but do toss and turn from side to side all night long. Lately, I have been experiencing some hip pain after laying on the same side for too long.

Weight Gain: I have no clue....

Likes/Dislikes: Sweetart Mini's Rock!

What I miss: Ok, I'm going to be honest...I miss my hair being Hi-Lighted, as it's looking quite drab and I also miss long, hot baths. BUT, neither of these can replace what I have right now and I'm glad to give them up :)

Thoughts: Little Bunny is moving about all over the place and I absolutely love it! Those little thumps never get old. Hubby and I talk to little bunny every night and tell him/her how much we love him. We continue to guess the gender and we still can't settle on any names. Fear and anxiety still creep in, but I've come to accept it for what it is...life in the new normal. As for the nursery, I'm taking tiny steps and not rushing anything, but do have some thoughts about what I'd like to do.

Happy NEW Year's Eve...Eve!

I wish you all a wonderful new year...filled with HOPE and Promise of GOD's Favor. Continue to hold on to FAITH and let no one steal your dreams, as MIRACLE's do happen.

xxx

21 Weeks and A Mixed Bag of Emotions

2010-12-22T11:52:00.004-06:00

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

This post finds me celebrating twenty one-derful weeks! I am SO GRATEFUL and continue to thank GOD daily for this miracle. I will be honest and tell you that I still worry, have anxiety and pray that we will bring Little Bunny home safe in our arms. Just last week I panicked when I didn't feel little Bunny moving around at night when he/she us usually active. I tried my best to not worry, but decided to put my fears to rest and was able to quickly find sweet baby by doppler...thanks to a VERY generous, close friend and fellow baby loss Mom who loaned me her doppler. I can not say thank you enough for the kindness and love that "you" continue to show me.

Also, as of late, I have experienced some mild cramping episodes. They don't last long and do not follow a pattern, they are just random and may only happen 1-2 times per day. However, this morning I called my OB and spoke to her nurse to talk through my concerns. She advised drinking more water, resting and not over doing it....I've been going non-stop trying to get ready for Christmas. At any rate, I wanted reassurance and feel better now, as my nurse said the "mild" cramping could also be due to uterine stretching and a growing baby.

I'm not sure when or IF I will ever be comfortable and not worry....but I'm trying. Please continue to keep us in your prayers, as there is such a mixed bag of emotions in my head right now. I tend to cry at the drop of a hat and have come to accept it as hormonal and just another part of this journey. However, I continue to ask GOD for guidance and to direct my steps.

I continue to be asked "when" we are going to start nursery preparations and I'm just not there yet. Honestly, I don't know when I will be, but am starting to look at some items and took a moment last Saturday to look at the room for possible furniture placement. Also, I perused some iron cribs on line to check availability and found one that I love. Perhaps I will start some sketches, ear mark some things and select a paint color....get it all down on paper and "maybe" sometime in late February order and have some things constructed. For now, I'm just trying to keep my head in the right direction, as fear overwhelms me some days. Just this week I saw a book titled Pregnancy After Loss at the book store and glanced through it. Let's just say it was spot on and why I left it on the shelf evades me. I guess I didn't want to face the reality of my journey again, didn't want to look into the rear view mirror. It just hurts too much....

Little Bunny at 21 weeks! Oh how we love you sweet baby....you are moving around all over the place and your Mama can't get enough of you. I long to meet you and your Daddy and I are SO in LOVE with you.

Cami and Sparkle-Sequined Sweater both Liz Lange from Target

FASHION FINDS FOR "THE BUMP"

Black Pin Whale Corduroy Pants by AG

Oh My Goodness! Can I just tell you how incredibly comfy these pants are! I was shopping for a much needed pair of jeans, to no avail, as they all kept falling down and just looked bad...I tried probably 6 styles. Anyway, the sales lady suggested these and they are a little piece of heaven! Pricey, but so worth it and they were even on SALE. Purchased at Pea in the Pod.

Fun Ruched Side Black and White Striped Top. It fits great and will be very versatile...can be layered under a cardigan and paired with my black AG Cords or jeans, providing I find some. For now, its my pre-pregnancy jeans with the good ole Be Band (Targets version of the Bella Band). Top Purchased at Pea in the Pod.

Great Top! It's a pretty shade of blue and hugs the bump! Great transitional piece that I hope to get lots of mileage out of.

Purchased at Pea in the Pod.

FIRST SNOW FALL

First Snow Fall of the Year and this is the South!

Garden dusted with snow

CHRISTMAS GOODIE RECIPE

Hello Dolly Cookie Bars!
Ingredients: Unsalted Butter, Semi Sweet Chocolate Chips, Graham Cracker Crumbs, Flake Coconut, Pecans and sweetened condensed milk.

Melt 1/2 c. unsalted butter and mix with 1 c. Graham Cracker Crumbs

Pack Mixture into 13x9 baking dish

Top with 1 c. Semi Sweet Chocolate Chips. You can also add 1 c. of butterscotch morsels if you like.

Add 1 c. Chopped Coconut and 1 c. Chopped Pecans

Top by Pouring 1 can (15oz) of sweetened condensed milk over top of mixture. Bake in pre-heated oven at 350 degrees for 25-30 minutes. Let cool and cut into bars. Easy and SO good!

Hello Dolly! And hello Yummy! I made these last weekend and they are super quick and easy....like no brainer easy!

Sending each of you love and prayers and safe travels as you enjoy Christmas with family and friends. Please pray for those who are less fortunate...hungry and homeless...and for the children who may receive nothing, as this thought absolutely breaks my heart. And please pray for our military men and women in harms way, both near and far, who allow us daily freedoms.

MERRY CHRISTMAS and I wish you blessings in the NEW YEAR.

Ps. My SIL is currently in labor...please pray for the safe arrival of their baby boy who is making a Christmas debut instead of January. He's decide he's coming early and wants to be here to celebrate.

Much Love,

Deck the Halls & 20 Weeks!

2010-12-16T21:29:00.002-06:00

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

Wow! Another weekend is almost here and I can hardly believe the count down to Christmas is here! Where do the days go? Last week was one crazy week and this week has brought more of the same. However, this week I reached a milestone, I'm officially half way there! Little Bunny and I are 20 weeks and I am ever so grateful. There were days when I never thought I would see this day and I praise GOD every day for this growing miracle.

What's been going on here?

Saturday night, hubby and I went to a dinner party hosted by 2 of our very dear friends who live downtown on the river. It was a party of 4 couples and we had the most wonderful time. Everyone took turns rubbing the little bunny and I think Molly the dog was jealous! Our friends even revealed they were planning a couples shower for us, which I though was incredibly sweet, and offered to do it "when I was ready". My friend Mel suggested a date sometime in April, as she is aware of my anxieties, which I appreciated. (At the moment, I just can't wrap my head around showers or nursery planning...maybe later) She also extended to me the use of some pre-natal YOGA cd's, some maternity clothes and also her breast pump....my heart melted. The love that has been shown to us is incredible and we are soaking it up.

We've decked the halls!

Trimmed the tree! This is the first time in 10 years that we have not had a live tree. However, with pouring rains, ice and no where to defrost a live tree...we opted for the topiary Christmas tree that has been in hiding. And it couldn't be more perfect!

This little ornament has special meaning to me...the true meaning of Christmas.

The mantle is adorned and Christmas cards sent and received.

And a Little Project that goes something like this.....

1) Take a strand of beads, I used silver beads

2) String them between 2 points

3) Clip Christmas cards to the beads in clothes line style and voila! A card display!

I strung the cards from side to side on my book case and also in front of the fireplace.

The paper whites are planted and the poinsettia too.

Add a poinsettia to any container and fill in around it with moss and its beautiful.

I made my very own BLOG HEADER!!! Yea, as I am so not tech savy...big accomplishment for me!

And my little LOVE...the Cowboy! I couldn't resist sharing....I love this little man and he has filled my heart with such joy. Just recently he said to his mommy, "mommy, you have a baby in your tummy, Aunt Gracie has a baby in her tummy and Aunt Bebe (me) has a baby in her tummy....do all girls have babies in their tummies??? LOL

Celebrating a Milestone....We're HALF WAY!

20 Wonderful Weeks!

What's Happening?

Maternity Clothes: I'm slowly adding to the wardrobe

How I'm feeling? I'm feeling good. Still dealing with some sciatica and also the pesky SI joints, but I'll take it!

Sleep? oh how I love my zzzz's

Weight Gain? Not sure

Likes/Dislikes? I'm still loving those gummy worms and sweetart mini's

What I Miss? Absolutely nothing! Little Bunny is worth every sacrifice made and every ounce of discomfort

Best Moment of the Week? 1) Feeling Little Bunny's movements. My little gymnast is all over the place...even as I type he/she is "thumping" away. Hence, Hubby calls Little Bunny "Thumper" sometimes.

1) Hubby Giving Little Bunny "Good Night Rubs"

So, that's it from here! I hope that each of you has a wonderful weekend. I continue to pray for those who are hurting, as I know this is a very difficult time of year. Hold tightly to FAITH and never lose sight of HOPE. And "God Winks" to all....

Today's Quote: No matter how steep the mountain - the Lord is going to climb it with you.

Helen Steiner Rice

Surviving Seasonal Blues & Celebrating 19 weeks

2010-12-10T10:24:00.001-06:00

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

Seasonal Blues and how to work through them....

I hope this post finds each of you doing well and making your way through the Holiday Season, which can be terribly difficult. Last year, I spent my days leading up to Christmas in a fog. My heart was so heavy and the holiday blues had overwhelmed me. I could only focus on the part of me that was missing, the hole in my heart and the child that I would never know. Grief had overcome me and it mattered not that I was 7 months post loss. However, I knew in my heart that if I wanted to find some sense of peace during the Holiday Season that I needed to redirect my grieving.

For me, finding healing meant reaching out to help another. Thus, I partnered with a local charity and gathered clothing for local homeless, men, women and children. I found peace in paying it forward to offer aid to those in need. Often times when we are hurting it is reaching out to another that helps to soothe an aching heart. In no way was my grief taken away, but it was lessened. I gave back to my community as my way of honoring my Angel through Project Christian Cares. The project was a complete success and looking back my grief burden was lessened through paying it forward. And I thank God for urging me in the right direction.

So, for those of you who are making your way through this difficult season, I want you to know that someone out there has been exactly where you are today. It's the most difficult thing I have ever been through, but I want you to know that you will make it. Cling to HOPE and never lose sight of FAITH and look for ways to help another. I promise, your heart will be filled and your spirits encouraged....and I will be praying that peace and comfort find you. Rest in "Him".

Celebrating 19 weeks!

I can hardly believe that Little Bunny and I have made it to 19 weeks! On Monday, I saw my wonderful OB and went for the BIG scan. I was very nervous as Dr. D. evaluated our baby's organs and preformed various measurements, but everything turned out to be fine. Praise God! We watched as Little Bunny raised his/her arms above the head, wiggled legs and even sucked his/her thumb. Talk about the sweetest moment!

Before Dr. D. started the scan, we told her that we did not want to find out the gender. She was excited and said "I didn't find out with my son either". When the time came to check below the abdomen she told us to close our eyes....we all laughed :) We reminded her that she was the ultimate keeper of the secret, which she loved. Then, she reminded us that our baby could now hear and urged us to start reading Good Night Moon, as she laughed and recited many lines from the classic book. I laughed and said "I think you've read that book a thousand times"....and she has. I feel so blessed to have a Dr. that is so human, kind and compassionate. One who gets excited while looking at our baby during scans and acts as if its the first baby she's ever seen on an ultrasound screen.

Here's What's Happening:

19 weeks!

How much does Little Bunny weigh? 9 oz

Heart Rate: 145

Maternity Clothes: yes and no...still in the akward stage of what to wear

How I'm Feeling: Good, despite the SI joint pain, but I'll take it! I still experience bouts of anxiety, but I'm continuing to try and live in the moment.

Sleep: Oh how I love my zzzz's

Weight Gain: 9 lbs. Yikes! I weigh more than I've ever weighed in my life, but its SO worth it! Hoping to start pre-natal YOGA next week.

Likes/Dislikes: Love anything that is sweet and sour. Gummy worms are still a favorite!

What I miss: Nothing as much as what I have right now.

Best Moment(s) of the Week:
1) Seeing Little Bunny and watching him/her move about. It was wonderful!
1) Feeling all of the Little Bunny's movements. My placenta is posterior, so I am feeling lots of movement.
1) Hubby giving Little Bunny tummy kisses and telling him/her how much he loves them and how much he is going to miss him/her while he is away traveling.
1) Hearing my Hubby call me Mommy

Names: Oh my, hubby and I embarked on a name discussion during our 2.5 hour drive this past weekend. We made very little progress.....we can't agree! Stay tuned :)

Weekend Wedding
Last weekend, Hubby and I ventured to Arkansas to attend our good friends wedding. The wedding was held at the beautiful Marlsgate Plantation and was breath taking. As a designer, I was in heaven! Well, that was until we sat outside on the walk for the ceremony. If someone passed a memo that the ceremony was taking place outside in December I missed it! In their defense, the forecast was to be 67 degrees and it had been warm all day....until they walked down the isle and the wind whipped off of the lake, but that was okay too. We survived and retreated back inside to a very warm fire. Here are a few pictures.

Marlsgate Plantation

Formal Garden-Designed by P. Allen Smith

View of the Lake

Our sweet friends saying their vows...they never even knew it was freezing!

Hubby and me huddled by the fire!
My dress is by: Nuka and was SO comfy and fit great!
Purchased at Nordstrom.com

Most importantly, please say a prayer for my sweet friend Shandrea, as she will be going in today, Friday for a TAC, transabdominal cerclage. I love you Grace and know that God will be carefully guiding the hands of Dr. G and wrapping you safely in his arms. I'm so happy for you and think you are so courageous. xoxo

Today's Quote:
"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible."

~ Unknown

Life's Happenings & 18 Weeks!

2010-12-02T18:48:00.001-06:00

Happy Thankful Thursday Bloggie Friends!

Whew, another week has passed so quickly! Thanksgiving was absolutely wonderful and now I find myself facing the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season. Where doe the time go? I've started my shopping and have a few gifts down and more to go, but I'm making progress!

A Love that NEVER ENDS
Christmas brings about such a mixed bag of emotions for me. I'm ever so happy to be 18 weeks pregnant and so very grateful, but part of my heart is still filled with sadness for the child that I will never know. This week marks Christian's due date and when I realized the date had crept upon me it made me sad, as I had anticipated it for many days in advance last year. Now that we are expecting the "little bunny" (his/her Daddy has re-named him) everything has changed...except for one thing...the love that I will ALWAYS feel for my first baby. Christian will always be the first, no matter what, and that gives me peace in my soul. The strength that GOD has given me to journey on is what kept me going when life seemed much too difficult to endure. So, I say to those of you who are struggling, I know the pain, but NOW I also know the blessings. I suppose it takes making it to the other side to reflect on the positives that come from pain.

Thank You Bree

Christmas Cards
In thinking of Christmas, I was very torn as to what to do about a Christmas card. Each year I look forward to designing the perfect card with the perfect picture. I agonize over colors, wording, photos, etc...Last year, there was no card for the first time in 10 years, as my heart was too broken to even think about it. Now, this year, I feel as if I'm ready to send a card. Yet, I was conflicted about mentioning the "little bunny". However, in the end, I decided that his/her life should be celebrated. I needed to allow those who love us so very much to share in our JOY. Trust me, the decision to design a card and include that we are expecting was a VERY HARD decision and I procrastinated. But, last Saturday morning I bit the bullet and did it! Here is a glimpse of our card...the message was very important to me....thanking our creator for our miracle!

Christmas Card custom design by http://www.tinyprints.com/

Me and My Kindred Spirit
Okay, I promised a couple of posts ago to give you a glimpse of me and my Kindred Spirit, so here it is! Deni and I have known each other for more than a year and have traveled a very bumpy road together. Together, we've jumped countless hurdles, climbed many mountains and wiped away many tears. And when the opportunity came for me to meet her face to face I was giddy with excitement! We had a wonderful time and I can't wait to see her again. Love you to the Moon and Back sweet friend!

Thank You's
I wanted to give a long over due shout out to 3 of my FAB 5 friends for sending me such sweet gifts! Nan Deni and Shandrea, you are the best!

18 Weeks!
I can hardly believe that I have reached the 18 week mark! Each day I continue to be grateful for this growing miracle of Life. And to be completely honest, each time I read about the "little bunnies" progress I'm mesmerised. What a MIRACLE!

As promised, here is the latest Bump Picture...

What's happening?
Oh my goodness! I can feel the little bunny's movements and it's complete bliss! They feel like little thumps from the inside and I L-O-V-E it :) I'm so in LOVE with this baby!

Maternity Clothes?
Yes! I can still wear some of my normal wardrobe, but am steadily adding new items to accommodate the bump. Just this week I started using my Bella Band, well actualy the Bee Band from Target, with my jeans and its fabulous! I recommend the Target brand, as its working well and a savings of about $10. Other than that, I ordered a cute jersey dress and turtleneck from Pickles and Ice Cream and a dress from Nordstrom to wear to a friends wedding this weekend.

Black Turtleneck Dress by Pickles & Ice Cream

One Shoulder Metallic Dress by Nuka
from Nordstrom

How I'm Feeling?
I feel Good! In true James Brown speak, I do feel good. My SI joints continue to be a thorn in my side, but not constant. And I'll take it! Every ache and pain is worth it :)

Sleep?
I so love my sleep! I'm sleeping well :)

Weight Gain?
About 7.5 lb's. Yikes! The bump has emerged!

Likes/Dislikes?
Yesterday, I discovered Sweetart Minis! They are so delicious that I could have eaten the entire bag! I'm also loving sweet and sour gummy worms! Still not feeling the love for veggies, but thank goodness for V8 Vfusion.

What I Miss?
Nothing as much as what I have right now.

Belly Button
Still in, but I have a feeling....its not gonna stay that way!

Best Moment this Week
1) Feeling the Little Bunny move...did I mention how incredible that is!
1) Hubby giving tummy kisses everyday and belly rubs....and his re-naming the pumpkin "Little Bunny". My Hubby's pet name for me is bunny, short for Honey Bunny. Thus, the emergence of Little Bunny.

Sending each of you love, hugs and prayers this week and always. I continue to keep you in my prayers. Please pray for my dearest friend Vickie who is like a sister to me. I spoke with her today and she told me that her husbands cancer has metasitcised to his bones. They have not told anyone else other than our Dr. friends. My heart is so heavy for her and for her sweet husband....they are close friends and I told her that we would navigate this path together, she is not alone. On a happy note, congratulations to my bloggie friend Cheryl on her new job! Cheryl, SO HAPPY for you!

Blessings and Prayers Always,
Andrea
xxx

Turkey Day Treasures

2010-11-29T10:48:00.001-06:00

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends! Happy Monday!

Whew, where to start? Last week was one busy, busy week! But what fun it was and how good that felt is indescribable. And I am SO VERY THANKFUL for all of the many blessings that I have received. Although our entire family could not be together (which was sad) we still had a wonderful time, great food and so many things to be grateful for.

Hubby's parents arrived on Tuesday evening and made a bee line for the bump, which they said was not in sight, but believe me it is! I laughed and said "its hiding under this dress". My comment lead to curiosity and before I knew it the little pumpkin was receiving bump rubs from his/her grandparents. I'd always thought I would be weirded out by people touching my bump, but after struggling to conceive I'm okay with sharing this miracle with family and close friends. Bump rubbing equates to love and I'll take it! I want to share this child with all those who are so happy for us. By the way, Nana (my Mom) and Hubby are obsessive bump rubbers :)

Here is the weekend in Pictures

Relaxation! Hubby enjoyed every second of his time away from his hectic schedule. And I enjoyed having him home :)

Nana making her famous Chicken n Dumplin's for Wednesday nights dinner.

Cooking!

Hubby's Mum assisting Nana with making the Dumplin's

The table is set and we are ready to give thanks for all that we are so grateful for. This year it was my turn to say the blessing, which I was glad to do, but it was so incredibly difficult. I started off by thanking God for our families, both near and far, and for the food that we were about to receive...the hands that prepared it, etc..Then, I began thanking God for our miracle and well, the flood gates opened. I had to stop two times, as the emotion over came me. I'm just so incredibly thankful for this little life and vowed to raise him/her to honor our Father. On a funny note, my MIL said Amen twice before I finished, as I suppose she thought I was at a loss for words. Instead, I was all choked up. When I finished my prayer I looked at my Mom and FIL and they were both in tears. The love they have for this baby is so immense already. And its very apparent "now" just how hard they have been praying for this miracle as well. I suppose when I was in the depths of despair it just wasn't that visible. So when you think that your families have forgotten your struggles or have moved on from your loss...they haven't...they are just trying to act normal, but the HOPE is there for you, I promise. Take it from someone who is seeing things from another perspective.

Simple Centerpiece

Usually, I go all out and do an array of multiple flowers as a centerpiece, but this year I decided to KEEP IT SIMPLE. I suppose this is part of my new found "simplifying my life" technique that I am practicing. Therefore, I decided to use a rectangular glass box, fill it with water, drop in some votive candles and add fresh orchids that I cut off the stem. And Voila! Takes a table from Drab to Fab in minutes! You can use any type glass container for this centerpiece and there are many varieties of flowers that float.

Entrance to our house

I have to admit that I am sad to see the pumpkins go and for Thanksgiving 2010 to come to a close. I love this holiday, as its simple and a time to reflect on how Thankful we are for the many, many blessings we have. To know how truly fortunate we are...richly blessed.

Now, the house is quiet, things are returning to normal and the left overs are in the fridge. Things are slowly returning to normal and I miss the chaos. Time flew by so quickly last week that I could hardly believe when I woke this morning that I'd reached the 18 week mark! Talk about continued Thankfulness :) And on Saturday I even managed to head out and gather a fresh wreathe and some garlands to decorate the front entrance. Hubby was sweet and did the honors of "Hanging of the Greens", under my direction. LOL It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here...and for the first time in a long time, it feels good.

On another note, please continue to pray for those who are struggling this holiday season. My heart aches for all of you, as I can relate to the heart ache and vast array of emotions. Also, please send up prayers for my IRL friend A who suffered her first failed IVF. Her heart is so heavy. Continue to pray for my dearest friend Grace, as this is such a hard time for her...love you sweet friend. Please send continued prayers to my Fab 5 friend Angie, as she is such an inspiration, but her heart is heavy. And prayers to my Kindred Spirit too. And on a happy note, I can not tell you the JOY that I felt when I read my blogger friend Rachel's latest post. She and her Husband received "the call" just days before Thanksgiving (completely out of the blue) that they would soon be bringing home their son via the miracle of adoption. I can not tell you how hard I cried when I read that post, as I have prayed for this miracle. Rachel, if you are reading, my heart is SO FULL.

Best moment of the week:

1) Being with our family

1) The tummy kisses the little pumpkin gets every day from Daddy

Okay, so I will stop for now....have a wonderful week! Know that I continue to pray for all of you and ask that you keep the three of us in your prayers. I will admit, I do struggle from time to time with anxiety and fear, but do my earnest to "live in the moment".

God Bless and Much Love

ps Jenny H. If you are reading...HUGS, as I can't post on your blog. Not sure why, but I promise I'm reading :)

Life's Happenings & 16 Weeks! Part I

2010-11-21T14:54:00.002-06:00

Happy Sunday Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

Whew, where to start? This has been one busy week that has flown by in the blink of an eye...not sure where the time has gone! For starters, I've been compelled to "lessen our nest" by going through various drawers, cabinets and closets to rid them of things we no longer need or rarely use. I've organized along the way and divided things to sell, take to charity and stuff that just plain needed to be ditched. My closet was the most daunting task and is not nearly finished, but I got a good start! I had many clothing items to donate to Good Will and many others that I plan to post on Ebay and sell. And lots more to go through, but I plan to get it done :)

Next, was the Honey Do list that I made for my Big Love. He is always willing to do whatever I ask of him, but likes to have his list of tasks. Needless to say he's been super busy moving furniture, vacuuming, cleaning ceiling fans and some yard chores. Oh, and part of the reason is that we are hosting both his parents and my Mom for Thanksgiving. I wanted to get a head start on things, as I'm moving at a little slower pace these days...but as I said, I'm getting it done!

Another amazing item on the list of Life's Happenings this week was a visit from my Kindred Spirit, Deni. She was traveling through Memphis and took time to stop in and see me. Our first face to face meeting was absolutely wonderful! We've talked to one another for well over a year and finally we got to meet. I'll be honest in telling you that I was like a child awaiting Christmas the night before she arrived! I'd envisioned our meeting and it was just as I knew it would be....it felt like I'd known her forever! But the best part of all was getting to give her the BIG HUG that was SO long over due :) I'm going to blog more about our visit and will post photos in another post this coming week, as Deni has the best pictures on her awesome camera. Love you to the Moon & Back sweet friend!!!

Another exciting item this week...I've reached the 16 week mark! Well, I will actually be 17 weeks tomorrow, Monday...I'm just late posting. The little pumpkin is growing away, thus all the round ligament pain and uterine stretching. The round ligament pain and uterine stretching come periodically, but nothing that I can't endure. I've also had some hip discomfort when sleeping, but nothing terrible and I just try to adjust body position accordingly. Overall, I feel good and try to do things in moderation. I'm doing my absolute best to drink, drink, drink...water that is! Let me just tell you that getting 64oz of water a day is a challenge! Its a drink and hunt regimen...drink lots of water and hunt a potty! But, I'll take it, all of it :)

Here is a picture at 16 weeks. The bump is a bit more pronounced these days and I've shopped for some maternity clothes this week. My sweetest IRL friend J went with me to do some wardrobe planning at a local maternity boutique (as did my precious Kindred Spirit) and it was great having her with me. I never knew how difficult it would be to find fashionable maternity clothes, but I refuse to be defeated and found some goodies. My favorite item was a Michael Stars Dress and a great sweater by Nuka. And I discovered the maternity designer Olian who makes fabulous things at fair price points. However, I am still on the hunt for some great leggings. Any ideas ladies? Also, any designers that you all love? Your favorite items? I'll take all the tips that I can get on dressing a bump fashionably :)

16 Weeks

Michael Stars Cowl Neck Dress

(I purchased it in color: Eggplant)

can be purchased at Pickles and Ice Cream

Nuka Draped Jacket/Sweater

Can be purchased at Nuka

Other happenings this week....Saturday night, we took our friends A & I to an NBA game. Our team, the Grizzlies were playing Lebron James and the Miami Heat. This was the most highly sought after ticket of the season and the house was FULL! The game was SO exciting and our Grizzlies did not disappoint taking it to the wire and winning with a buzzer beater shot. However, the best part of the game had to be the hot pretzel that my Hubby's friend surprised me with....how sweet, as this guy had to scour the entire stadium to find it!

Final Seconds

A BIG WIN!

My Brother and his family have moved to Nevada and My Little Love just experienced his first snowfall there. He had also been skiing.

Finally, the BEST MOMENTS of the Week.....

1) Hearing the pumpkin's heartbeat on doppler for the 1st time!

1) Getting into the car with my Hubby and him telling me that he wanted to play a song for me...it was Arms Wide Open by Creed. He then said to me "do you know the meaning?" Oh my, cue the tears! He's so in L-O-V-E with this baby.

Have a Fabulous week...enjoy your families and friends this Thanksgiving and know that I send love and prayers to you all. I know this holiday can be very difficult, as it was quite trying for me last year, but hold on and know that I will be lifting you up.

Today's Verse:

Psalms: Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

God Bless You and Your Family

15 Weeks! Round Ligament Pain Anyone?

2010-11-12T08:45:00.000-06:00

Happy Friday Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

I hope that each of you are doing well and looking forward to a nice, relaxing weekend....I know that I am! Whew, what a week! All I can say is there are lots of changes going on in the little body of mine and I'm feeling them all. This week brought about some achiness in my right lower back which felt naggy and numb, went down into the buttocks and caused discomfort. It felt as if it were coming from my sacroiliac joint on the right side and persisted from Tuesday thru today. Although today it seems to have moved from the SI joint into my right hip.

Diagram of Where the SI Joint is located

Yesterday I felt pretty good, despite the naggy back pain, and was at work doing some things and feeling industrious...putting out some new Christmas merchandise, etc... And then all of a sudden when I sat down in a chair I had the worst pulling pain in the area of the bikini line. I've never felt anything like this before...definitely a new sensation. It caught me off guard and only lasted about 2-3 minutes and went away when I stood up. Again, I chalked it up to quirky round ligament pains, but do have to admit it was scary.

Have any of you or are any of you experiencing these lovely "new" sensations? Don't get me wrong, I am NOT complaining, as this baby is worth every second of discomfort....really worth it :) If so, do you have any insight on therapies or exercises that help to ease the pain? I plan to call my OB and see if my thoughts are correct and see what she has to offer. So far, I've managed with warm baths, light stretching and sleeping on my side with a small pillow between my knees. Any further insight appreciated.

Also, do you all have recommendations on what kind of pregnancy pillow to buy? I'm thinking now is the time to investigate options.

Hope that each of you have a wonderful weekend. It's in the 70's here, high of 78 today, so I need this pesky back issue to resolve itself so that I can get some much needed work done in my garden. I did manage to plant some more pansies this week and they look super sweet smiling at me each day when I leave my house. Love those flowers and highly recommend them to all, even those in chilly climates.

Butterfly pansies...look at the center!

Okay, have a Fab weekend!

Ciao,
Andrea

Honoring our Veterans!

2010-11-11T09:59:00.000-06:00

Because of THEM, we are FREE

Honoring ALL of those who serve our beautiful country.

Those who've given their lives for the freedoms we celebrate today.

*A very special thanks to my brother who so selflessly serves this great nation. He has spent countless hours deployed in harms way, risking his life for our freedoms. Countless hours away from his family, all for his fellow American, and given his all to service that he believes in from the depths of his soul. These men and women who wear the uniform sacrifice SO MUCH for all of us and I am grateful.

HAPPY VETERANS DAY!

Reflections on My Life & The Parallel with Another

2010-11-07T16:13:00.004-06:00

Happy Sunday Bloggie Friends!

Today, feeling a little sluggish, I decided to be good to myself and take a little time to indulge in me. The indulgence included some TV time, which I usually don't take the liberty to watch. At any rate, I did some Chanel surfing and came across Guiliana & Bill and had many reservations about even watching the show. Not because I don't like them or their reality show, but that I was guarded in the subject matter being of infertility and loss. Honestly, I wanted to run as far from the TV as possible...did not want to take that long, difficult walk down memory lane and selfishly did not want to feel someone else's pain. However, I decided it might be more beneficial to reflect that to do what I do best....run away.

Minutes into the show, I realized the lives of a celebrity couple and the lives of an ordinary couple, in an ordinary town were very much parallel. The 2 episodes that I watched proved to be more of a documentary on infertility and life after loss than an reality show. Guiliana and Bill bravely opened their lives to the general public in a time that we all know is more than difficult. To be selfless enough to "share" such a journey (IUI and IVF) and reveal intimate moments is truly as testament to their character and willingness to help others.

Upon opening, the show begins with Guiliana going for an 8 week ultrasound to discover their baby had no heartbeat. I cried a river, as I had lived this exact moment and could only imagine the immense pain in that moment, but what was most riveting was "knowing" the tough road that lie ahead for her. Grieving the loss of her child, the loss of a dream and loss of a life they worked so hard to plan.

In later scenes, her generous Dr., comes to her apartment to discuss what has happened. He is kind and reiterates to her that "she did nothing wrong to cause this". However, like many of us, she is still trying to come to the realization that her Dr's analogy is truth. I will be honest in telling you that I struggled with this constantly. The question "what could I have done differently to prevent this" weighed on my mind for months. Yet, now after almost 2 years I can finally accept that I did nothing wrong.

As the show progressed, I was impressed with how the producers hit all of the KEY elements of loss following a struggle with infertility and how openly the story of G&B was told, from their personal perspective...no candy coating, but real, true and honest. And I saw so much of me along the way. It was as if I was reliving my loss and the many months that it took to work through the grieving process. Some of the high points were as follows:

Disappointment
She feels the same disappointment that we have all felt and is even doubting herself, which is the total opposite of a woman who has always been in control of her destiny. I feel this too...I had always been in control of every aspect of my life. If I wanted something I would just go and get it! At one point G says "I've been a winner all my life". However, with infertility, you realize that its one thing you can't just go and get and that was SO hard for me. I don't know if I ever fully came to terms with it.

Loss of Interest
Following her loss, G and Bill continue working on the completion of the beautiful home they are building in the suburb's. A home that was purposely planned for children and the progression of their lives together. But, G has no real interest in working on the home, as its a reminder of what she's lost. I remember not wanting to work on anything home related as well. It was as if home was just not the same since our dream had faded. In all reality, I lost interest in many aspects of my life.

Distraction
As time progresses, G decides that Chicago is a grim reminder of what's happened to her and wants to return to LA and once again work from there. After our loss, I immediately threw myself into a huge design project, as I now realize that I was running from the pain. I needed to indulge myself in anything that would occupy my time and keep my mind from reliving what had gone so horribly wrong. The distraction was wonderful, but proved to be short lived, as you can't run from your troubles....sadly, they follow you. But, I will say that distraction proved to be one of my major coping mechanisms.

Pregnant Friends
G goes to lunch with her best friend who is pregnant and it turns out they conceived just 5 days apart. Talk about heart wrenching! Oh dear, I lived those moments of watching others progress while I stood in quicksand. G cries as she talks with her friend who is supportive, but you can see that she just doesn't quite understand the depth of G's pain. I suppose unless you have lived the nightmare, you will never know "that" feeling.

G talks with her friend about trying again and tells her that she is not ready. She explains that IVF takes such a toll on you mentally as well as on your body. I can remember being in a place where I just did not know if I could put myself through it again. It seemed so easy for my husband to be positive and want to try again, but I needed time to heal and protect my heart.

Male v/s Female Thought Process
During one episode they touch on the differences in how men cope with infertility and loss as opposed to how women cope. G is just trying to work through all that she's been thru and her hubby is offering up slogans of "winners never quit and quitters never win and its all gonna work out". While its endearing to be rallied on, its also quite isolating. I remember my husbands glass half full mentality and honestly there were days that I hated that he was so content and positive. I wanted him to feel what I was feeling, to know my pain and not be so overly optimistic....there was no way he could know what the future held and it sickened me that he was so sure of the situation. He was not the one counting calendar days, taking meds, injections, and going to follie checks, etc... Yet, when I look back, I realize that he did not know what to do. Like G's hubby Bill, my hubby kept trying to "fix it". He knew that I was hurting and just wanted to make it better...he saw this as his job, his role.

Telling Others about Your Loss
Another key element that G&B touch on is "telling others". While I felt that she was much life myself in not wanting to share her loss, B was of the opinion that talking with others would be helpful. Honestly, I did not want to tell anyone and didn't for some time. It was if I did not want to face the reality of what I perceived at that time in my life to be a personal failure. I didn't want the stares, the looks of pity, the empty words, the sympathy. And it seemed that everyone said and did all the WRONG things. I told my therapist that I could write a list of all the things not to say to someone who'd lost their child. To which she politely replied "I'm sure I've heard them all". Anyway, looking back, both Bill and my husbands perspectives were somewhat right in that talking to others and hearing their stories is healing. I'm thankful for those who have been so open and I'm grateful that a celebrity couple would go on camera in front of the whole world and tell their story and share their heartache, as I know it will help someone else.

Going to Therapy
Later, G's dear friend talks to her and suggests that she try therapy. G has never been to therapy, but is open to going and talking with someone. I was very much like her and had never been to therapy, but reached a point where I knew I needed help getting beyond the hurt. I needed to put my life back in order, as it was a disheveled mess. Let me just say that entering that office and talking with a complete stranger was one of the hardest things I've ever done. BUT, the only regret that I have is that I did not do it sooner!

During the therapy session, G's therapist tells her that women feel that its their birth right to become pregnant, yet it isn't always that easy. Her words were profound, as I never thought my husband and I would encounter the struggles that we've had. I thought we'd say I DO and it would be wedded bliss, 2.5 children, white picket fence and a walk in closet. Not so.

G talks candidly with the therapist and says "what did we do wrong"? She says "we go to church, we're good people". These words pained me, as I had uttered them so many times myself. To sit and watch her cry a river of tears on the therapist sofa took me back to the day that I had done the same....and it hurt to watch it, but at the same time I was able to see how far I had progressed, which felt good.

Trying Again
For me, this was a very difficult decision and as the show closed G was also struggling with the dilemma. She says that she needs a break, but feels that she owes it to her husband to give him the family he desires. At one point she says that being childless is not an option. Yet, she can't come to terms with facing another IVF cycle. How many of us have stood in her shoes? We don't want to hurt our husbands, but we are not mentally and emotionally prepared for another cycle. I felt very much the same way. Don't get me wrong, I wanted a child as much or more than my husband, but was scared to face more disappointment. It's hard to keep falling off the horse, dusting yourself off and getting back on!

Not to mention, the male instinct is so different from the female. The male instinct says "just try again", but there are so many more layers to the process than merely giving it another shot.

In closing, I will say that watching 2 episodes of Guiliana and Bill was difficult, yet healing on many levels. I did not want to watch for fear of reliving so much of the pain that I have tried to work through over the past 2 years, but am glad that I did. I was reminded of the pain, but left to reflect on how far I had come....how I'd healed and grown as a person. I was reminded that I was human and that infertility and loss take a toll on ones life, but they don't have to claim their "forever joy".

Lastly, could I have watched and written with the same perspective I have today had I not climbed a mountain and weathered some severe storms? NO, absolutely not. But, my purpose in doing so is to hopefully reach someone else out there who is struggling just as I did (and still do on many levels, as a new pregnancy is not a cure all) and offer them a ray of hope that things will get better in "your time". To offer you prayers and a parallel of my story with another and encouragement for the future. Be reminded that you are human and what you are feeling is real...don't ever discount that.

To watch the video clip of Guiliana and Bill on The View click on this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWcWGxmpV54&feature=related

I could have written a novel today, truth be told, I just did! And I know I did not hit everything, as this is a condensed version, but maybe it will help someone.

May God guide your journey and may you grasp HOPE with both hands and never lose sight of FAITH.

xxx

14 weeks and Decison Making

2010-11-04T13:46:00.002-05:00

Happy Thankful Thursday Bloggie Friends!

Wow, it seems as though time has flown since I posted last! We have been busy with friends, which feels good and we've also been working on some things around our house...and of course there is always work. And we hit another milestone, as we are officially 14 weeks and 3 days today!

We have also been faced with some decision making over the past couple of weeks as well. My wonderful Dr., who I adore, had talked with me about chromosomal testing and various scans and had asked how I felt about them. To be honest, I was caught off guard by her questions and was in no position to make a decision spur of the moment. Thus, I told her that I would talk it over with my husband and we would make a joint decision. Our decision was to move forward with the NT scan.

Last Friday, we met with a Dr. S., MFM High Risk physician, and the NT scan was performed. This scan brought about lots of anxiety for me, as our baby would be evaluated for abnormalities. The scan took more than an hour and we got to spend a lot of time gazing at our baby and indulging in the sheer wonderment of the life we had created. Thoroughly, the tech evaluated our little pumpkin from head to toe and all was normal. However, there was just one hitch, little pumpkin was positioned awkwardly and the tech had difficulty in getting one crucial measurement, the fold on the back of the neck, which is used to determine risk of Down's Syndrome. The tech pushed on my belly, I rolled, I rubbed my belly, I laid on my side, she tried both trans vaginal and trans abdominal scans...all to no avail. Our precious one just did not want to move from his/her comfy spot! Finally, another tech came in to assist and the pumpkin moved and voila! We got the one measurement that was so crucial and it was normal. Praise God!

Oh, and I left out one major detail of the scan. With a huge smile, the tech said "would you like to know the gender"? I could hardly contain my excitement....

UNTIL

I looked at my Husband and he exclaimed "I don't want to know" What? I am the quintessential planner and this was my moment. However, I agreed that I would take one for the team and wait it out :) Talk about a curve ball! But, it will be fun on reveal day!

And, I forgot to mention that we got loads of pictures of our little prince or princess! My husband has perused that roll of photos a million times and I love seeing his face as he marvels at our baby....it's just the sweetest! If I had filmed it, I'd push repeat a million times :)

13 weeks and 4 days

Oh the decisions we've had to make in the past week and a half! Once our NT scan was finished we met with Dr. S and he whipped out some standard chart that gave the run down on statistics. Can I just tell you how much I HATE statistics! Maybe because I AM ONE...yes, I am a statistic. At one point I remember reading that I had a 2% chance of the IUI working and you all know how that worked out...I beat it! I did feel pressured by this Dr. to proceed with the combined screen and went so far as to even do the first phase of blood work, but have decided that enough is enough. After discussing things with my husband we agreed that more testing would only equal more worry and anxiety and that our NT scan was good and my risk factors are very low and we feel good about things as they are. Whew, these are the things you have to face when you are prego over the age of 35.

As for other things, all is well and the bump is growing!

14 weeks

How I'm feeling: Good! Definitely more energy in the second trimester!

Weight Gain: 3 lbs.

Maternity Clothes: Not yet, just getting by with "fluffy" sweaters, boy friend jeans and empire waist dresses. And trying to figure out to dress a bump! I LOVE clothes and can tell its going to be a challenge to rock the latest styles, but rocking the BUMP is much more fabulous! I wouldn't trade it for anything :)

Food Cravings: Still loving the turkey sub at Firehouse Subs. Tom Khi soup at my fav little asian restaurant and chicken salad on a toasted bagel! Not really cravings, but I do like them.

Food Aversions: Veggies are SO not on my radar, but I'm choking them down! And thanks to Deni and Lori I'm drinking V8 V Fusion...don't love it girls, but I say cheers to you both each swig I take!

Sleep: Yep, I can sleep like a champ! Well, sans the 2+ times per night that I get up to go to the Oval Office ;)

What I miss most: Absolutely nothing! There is nothing that could be better than this.

Hope that each of you have a wonderful weekend! Thank you again for all the love that you send to me and know that I pray you always.

What am I most Thankful for this THANKFUL THURSDAY....
The little Pumpkin
GOD! He always knows my needs
Good Friends & Family
Employment

What are you most THANKFUL for?

Love and Blessings to you all!

FAITH is a RISK

2010-10-27T11:11:00.002-05:00

Happy Wednesday Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

Well, this won't be a wordless Wednesday post for me, as I have more to say :) Yesterday, in the mail, I received a book from my Mother. The book is titled Beyond the Sorrow and is authored by Tammy Trent. The author penned this book after losing her husband in a tragic accident. Now, she talks to others and shares her story, one of which was my Mom.

As for the book, I opened it this morning and wanted to share what I read titled

FAITH IS A RISK

The entries in the book are short and inspirational, so here goes....

Dance Like No One is Watching

I love these thoughts I heard from my very good friend Luci Swindoll:

"Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like no one is watching and live like it's heaven on earth."

Sometimes all we want is a safe path with no risks. But you can't dance if you don't risk standing up and trying to take a step forward. You can't live if you don't take any chances either. We need to say yes to life, even if we can't control the outcome of our life's story. Be brave. Choose to live and embrace your life with Joy.

"Then you will call my name. You will come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will search for me. And when you search for me with all your heart, you will find me! I will let you find me," says the LORD.
Jeremiah 29: 12-14

Faith is a risk, but not having faith is also a risk. We risk missing out on our lives becoming a part of the greatest love story of all time...
the story of God who loved us so much that he left Heaven to be with us.

John 3:16

So that's it! Just wanted to share and to also say a special thank you to my blogger friend Lori for thinking of me and sharing her thoughts on FAITH with me over the past few days. Love you Lori!

Have a wonderful Wednesday friends and know that I continue to pray for you all.

xxx

13 weeks and Sharing the News

2010-10-24T20:28:00.000-05:00

Happy Sunday Bloggie Friends!

Well, the cat is officially out of the bag! I have to admit that I was uneasy about telling friends, but could no longer deny my husband the joy of divulging the secret. On Saturday night we went to dinner with 2 couples who've shared our journey and another "new" couple that we're all getting to know, as they are new comers to our area. The new comers had just gotten engaged and we started off dinner by celebrating their engagement.

Everything about the start of the evening seemed so perfect and I can't remember the last time I felt so comfortable among friends. For the first time I did not sit in dread of what questions I'd be asked or the topics of conversation that would surface about.

UNTIL....

I gazed at the table that was directly in front of us where many people were assembled at a long table. The group was joyous, laughing and enjoying a beautiful evening. They were unwrapping gifts....oohing and cooing and holding up little onesies, blankies and a host of other baby items. The scene caught me totally off guard, as had not expected to be bombarded in a place that I considered "safe" with a full on grandparent's baby shower. And to top things off, the Grandmother works for my husband! How's that for ironic? All I could think about was how the "triggers" still come. I thought about how I would have reacted if this had happened 3 months ago...how I would have melted on the inside and how it would have affected me for days. The reminders of how painful scenes such as these are were apparent.

Once over that hurdle and purposefully fixating on a night with friends I was once again comfortable in the setting of wonderful friends. My sweet friends were chattering and laughing and surveying the menu while sipping vino, yet no one asked why I was not partaking. They know the boundaries and they respect our privacy. However, my friend Amy did begin talking to me about our mutual friend and reminded me that her IVF retrieval would be today or tomorrow. Then the conversation turned to "me" and the dreaded question loomed....she said "how are things going with your RE?" I said "we're good". She then asked "are you doing more treatments?" I just said "we're hanging in there". The genuine care and concern kept coming, to which I looked across the table at hubby and said "you can tell the secret". He then let the cat our of the bag. Our table erupted! There were hugs, fist bumps, high fives, smiles and the love overflowed.

IT FELT GOOD

Yes, I am still fearful, but its time to feel the joy. Time to take some tiny steps forward. I know this is going to be challenging, but I'm going to give it a whirl :)

On another note, I visited my OB for the first time on Friday. The whole environment was an adjustment from the peaceful RE's office. There were babies crying, Mothers shuffling about and bumps to be seen.  The total opposite of my RE's office. Thankfully, my Toe Twin, Nan, held my hand via text through my anxiety. Love you Nan!

Finally, it was my turn to see Dr. D, who I adore.  She offered congrats and did the usual evaluation and talked with me about the various testing offered. To be quite honest, I was overwhelmed by the push to make a decision on testing and asked for pro's and con's, to which she explained, but I can not even begin to remember all that she said. So, as usual, I reverted to my own method of research and have opted to do the NT scan (which will be sometime next week) and am still reading up on the rest. Any advice appreciated.

Once my exam concluded Dr. D. offered to give me a listen to our baby's heart beat, as I'd never heard it. She whipped out the doppler and began looking...she looked and looked....and looked and looked. After looking extensively there was no heart beat to be picked up. I wanted to panic, but suppose I was just in some sort of denial of what was happening. Dr. D. then said "lets get an ultrasound". She never panicked, was totally calm and ever the professional. I was still in my state of blurr....She started the scan and immediately said "I see movement". My heart rested, and truth be told, hers did too, but I was still in that blurr, fog state, which I soon realized was the hand of God placed gently upon me.  Dr. D. said she thought the baby was a girl because she was modest and running away from her :) Turns out that my tilted uterus is the culprit in my Dr. not being able to hear the heartbeat via doppler.  Deep breaths, right?

So, that is my weekend in a nut shell....Just one girl who remains grateful for her miracle, grateful for loving friends, grateful for a sweet hubby who gives tummy kisses and grateful for a God that continues to be my constant.

Please pray for my sweet friend, who knows who she is, as I love her to the Moon and Back! No specifics, but God knows what they are.

Much Love to you all and I continue to keep you in my prayers
xxx

My Favorite Verse this Week: Job 9:10

He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.

12 Weeks! To tell or not to Tell?

2010-10-20T09:27:00.010-05:00

Hello Bloggie Friends!

Happy Wednesday to you all and I pray that you all have a wonderful weekend ahead. What's new here? Well, we officially reached 12 weeks on Monday! And we decided to tell our parents on Sunday night, which was wonderful, but since telling them my emotions have been all over the map.

First, I told my Mom (my father is in Heaven) by calling her, as she lives about 2 hours away. We talked and she was telling me that her schedule was hectic and that she was busy as a bee with no time to spare for anything. I laughed and told her that she probably needed to work on clearing that schedule, as she was going to be a Grand Mommy again! My Mother cried and praised God for granting us this miracle. She then told me that she had been praying non-stop for hubby and I and had even dropped a prayer card in the prayer box at her last Ya Ya Sisterhood prayer meeting. I expressed to my Mom that I was very grateful and felt so blessed, but that I was also VERY afraid. After many months of grieving and TTC with no success my heart is still fragile and I still can't help but feel overwhelmed.

After expressing how fearful I was of another loss, my Mother said to me "honey, you have to have FAITH". I told her that I did have FAITH, but this journey had been so hard and that I just try to rely on God's guidance and BELIEVE. She then told me that she had a hunch that I was pregnant, as the last time she saw me "I seemed to have THE look". Mother's intuition I guess :)

Next, my hubby called his parents and asked that they both get on the phone at the same time. He then told them to check their email...they did and found an email titled "Meet Your Grandchild"! They opened the email and there was the 3D photo of the little pumpkin. It was such an exciting moment for them, as they were so happy. My FIL actually cried. They then told us how much they had prayed and said that we had no idea just how many people were praying for us. To know that so many people were lifting us up and we did not know was simply amazing!

During our chat with my MIL & FIL, I could tell they wanted to shout our news to the mountain tops and tell the world. However, I asked they please keep the "secret" for a while longer, as I'm still anxious and am not ready to be faced with congrats and lots of questions. I know this seems odd, but I'm just not ready yet. Every day I try to jump another hurdle and work my way through this process. And its difficult.

Just yesterday, I found myself crying, as it hit me this is not our first announcement. Yet, everyone acts as if it is and that saddens me in many ways. I planned everything to a T for our first announcement...wanted the BIG surprise factor, etc... And this time it was simple, as I still feel robbed of that "first time experience". I'm still working my way past those feelings and do well most of the time, but in this instance it overwhelmed me. Overall, I know that I have to do things on my own terms and that I must stand firm in telling others that I'm still working on me.

On a happier note, here's the first 12 week belly shot!

12 Weeks!

Weight Gain so far: 2 1/2 pounds

Likes: I love the smoked turkey Firehouse Sub! I've eaten it the past 3 days for lunch and until now I never knew it existed. Reeses pieces, since I can't have the chocolate I really love. Gummy Worms! Candy Corn...do you see a trend? This little pumpkin loves junk! And of course anything pumpkin! Oh, and Hi C fruit punch, which I have not had since I was 3!

Dislikes: Well, I hate to say it, but veggies repulse me right now, but I choke them down :)

Stretch Marks: No, but Palmers cocoa butter lotion is my best friend. I'm bathing in it!

Sleep: Yes, I'm sleeping...well, until I have to wake to go potty :) I swear, I think I can find my way to the loo with my eyes closed these days.

What I Miss: Soft cheeses and my daily Green Tea. But, its totally worth it!

What I'm Lovin' Today: The Little Pumpkin and my Fabulous Friends! I just can not tell you all how very much I appreciate your love, prayers and friendship. I continue to pray for all of you and have such FAITH in your journeys. I know what it feels like to feel left behind and struggle to find your way when it seems as if the rest of the world can just "blink" and get pregnant. But, I say to you, just as my Mother said to me, HAVE FAITH :)

Today's Thought:

“Come to the edge.”

“We can't. We're afraid.”

“Come to the edge.”

“We can't. We will fall!”

“Come to the edge.”

And they came.

And he pushed them.

And they flew.

Much Love to you all and have a wonderful rest of the week!

What I'm Lovin' Today

2010-10-16T10:53:00.000-05:00

I've said it before, and I will say it again, I LOVE FALL!

The crisp air, the rustle of the trees, the smells in the air, pumpkins, cider and I could go on and on and on....

AND

What I'm Lovin' Today....

This little Face...

This little Face and That little Face...My little LOVE & My Big Love

AND...This Beautiful Face

Fall Colour

The Pumpkin Bread I had for breakfast

A Pumpkin Spice Steamer

The pumpkins on my Porch!

My Hubby...who kissed my tummy this morning and told our baby he loved it. He then kissed me and informed me that our baby would begin to hear soon. I asked him how he knew that?? He informed me it was on the wall at the RE's office and he could read...LOL

Violas! Their Faces are SO cute! This was taken last year, but I'm planting some gorgeous blue and yellow ones today.

Lovin' this Book! P. Allen Smith is the absolute BEST!

Terrariums! If you can't grown anything, you can grow a terrarium! I'm lovin' them and you can get so creative with the containers that you use.

My new cruiser bike that I am waiting for...more details to come :)
PS It WILL have a wicker basket on the front!

What are you Lovin' Today?

Have a Fabulous Saturday!

Jump In a Pile of Leaves!

Drink a Cider

and

Just BE....

11 Weeks & I Love You MORE than Cup Cakes!

2010-10-11T18:42:00.000-05:00

Today was a BEAUTIFUL day.

Today, was the day we got another glimpse of our little Pumpkin.

Today, we hit 11 weeks...what a milestone!

Today, we graduated from RE to OB.

Today, we PRAISE GOD for our Miracle!

11 weeks

3D image of the Little Pumpkin

This trip to the RE was yet again riddled with anxiety, but I kept trying to tell myself to stay calm. God was giving me that extra little nudge and I could feel it :) We were called back for our scan and I had that flash of intense emotion that is indescribable, but took a deep breath and prayed for the best. Our ultrasound tech was sweet and got things started. Immediately, I felt a sense of calm, as I saw little arms moving about and my nerves calmed drastically. For several minutes the tech continued to get photos from various angles and was smiling as she looked on. I said to her, "I'm sure that even though babies often look the same, they are all very different". She then said, "I never get to see them this far along, as most patients graduate to their OB's at 9 weeks, so this is exciting" We continued to look at our little pumpkin, or should I say wiggle worm for several more minutes and I was in awe at the miracle before my eyes.

It's official....

I LOVE YOU MORE than CUP CAKES!

Following the scan we met with our RE, who we've come to adore, and he expressed how happy he was that things were progressing so well. He told me that he would be releasing me to the care of my OB, as his work was done. After all, he had kept me for 2 weeks longer than most patients and I was so grateful. However, I have that parting from his office was bittersweet. In the time I have been there I've grown to love the nurses and front desk staff. They all wished us well and Dr. K made me promise to come by and show off in his words "my big belly". I found that to be endearing, as he takes pride in what he does. He also encouraged me to take pre-natal classes and read everything I could get my hands on....then he laughed and said "this baby will be 18 before you know it"!

While I was standing in the hallway talking to and joking with our wonderful Dr., nurse Stephanie passed me with "magic goods" in hand and was headed into an exam room to do an IUI. I have no idea who she was inseminating, but in that moment I found myself lost in prayer for the recipient. To be honest, I always pray for everyone who enters the doors of that clinic, as I know the mountains that are climbed and hurdles jumped to get there.

Today, I thank God for a wonderful day, another glimpse of our beautiful baby and his guidance that keeps me directed.

And, I thank God for all of you who continue to walk beside me and encourage me.

Today's Verse: "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13:13

Living with Anxiety!

2010-10-06T18:17:00.000-05:00

Hello Sweetest Bloggie Friends!

Happy Hump Day! Where has this week gone? I've been so busy with work that I've hardly noticed the passing of time. However, that is probably the only thing I haven't noticed. It seems as though I stalk every pregnancy symptom to the n'th degree these days and try to evaluate it to the fullest. Little do I know that my questions to Dr. Google do nothing but add to the anxiety. I need to ban myself from the internet!

Overall, I feel good, but do get tired on occasion and find myself taking a nap....which, by the way, I love naps! To date, I've yet to experience any morning sickness or nausea, but do have aversions to some foods and some things just taste weird. Other than that, my skin itches and I feel an occasional twitch here and there, but not much more.

However, the one thing that is concerning is that my breast were incredibly sore and heavy up until about the 9.5 week mark, but the soreness has faded at 10 weeks and is not strong at all. Still a little tender, but nothing like they were. I want to chalk it up to hormones, but of course I'm obsessing about the what if's. I'm trying to remind myself that we did see a perfect growing baby at 9 weeks and that symptoms come and go, but the worry is still there. Anyone else have this happen?

Our next scan will be at 11 weeks and of course I will obsess until then, but am praying for a sense of calm. Thankfully, my RE agreed to keep me for this last scan and postponed my graduation date :) At my last appointment my RE talked with me at length about my anxiety issues and reiterated to me that its normal given what I've been through. He was very optimistic and said that I needed to start preparing for this baby, but my head just can't seem to do that just yet. I don't know when I will be able to make those next steps. Please continue to pray for us and for our growing little pumpkin.

In the meantime, I will be praying for each of you and sending extra love and hugs your way for a wonderful rest of the week.

Much Love and Prayers Always,

10 Weeks and 10 Beautiful Years

2010-10-03T14:52:00.000-05:00

Sweetest Bloggie Friends....

HAPPY SUNDAY & HAPPY FALL...oh, how I love this time of year.

It was the very end of September that I tied the knot with my sweetest and I'm ever so happy to have found the one that is "my sunshine". 10 years seem to have flown....where has the time gone? We've lived and loved and explored the world.

AND

We have been blessed in countless, exponential ways. Just another reason to proclaim....

GOD IS GOOD

Our Wedding Day

Leaving the Church...the isle was too small and my dress too big! Hubby had to follow behind!

10 weeks and 10 Beautiful Years....

Our little "pumpkin" will be 10 weeks tomorrow and there is not a moment that goes by that I don't thank God for this miracle. Last weeks appointment for another scan brought about uncontrollable anxiety. I was shaking as we waited for our ultrasound and many, many thoughts swirled in my head as I waited for what we would see. I prepared myself for the worst and prayed for the best...I smiled at the beautiful face sitting across from me, waiting her turn too. The husbands seemed relaxed and confident, but I felt a kinship to this perfect stranger, almost as if I had some sort of ESP. I could read her emotions....she was riddled with anxiety as well. I could only pray.

In a few moments our anxiety was calmed, as we saw our baby...little heart flickering away. What a beautiful sight! The ultrasound tech was incredibly kind, not our sweet Jenny, but another nice lady who took her time to get lots of peeks, despite my uterus being positioned straight up and down. She even took the time to do a second scan from the belly so that we could get a much better visual of our baby. We saw arms and legs and were overwhelmed and a bit relieved.

9 weeks

We then met with our wonderful RE, who was encouraging. I expressed my anxiety and he was calming, saying that was "normal" given what I had been through. However, he was very optimistic...thank you Dr. K for that! He seems to have a way of calming my fearful heart. He's funny in his own way too, as he told my husband to have a seat on the end of the exam table, as there was only one chair and a Dr's stool in the exam room. Then he laughed and said to my hubby "kind of makes you feel vulnerable doesn't it" Oh the humor of men who will never experience feet in stirrups!

Overall, things are going well. I'm still anxious and fearful, but trying to stay optimistic. My dearest IRL friend asked if we had begun to think about names...I could only cry and say "I just can't". Then she asked "when" I would feel as if things were safe and I told her never. She said that saddened her, as she wanted me to enjoy this time. Then, she asked me to set a time frame for myself to move forward....what a hard thing to do, but I knew her intentions, as she is a wonderful, genuine, human being who loves me so much. There is just so much of the past that looms over me....its hard to shake. It's sad.

I'm a work in progress.....

I pray that each of you who are on your own journeys are doing well. My heart is with you and I think of you and pray for you often. To my kindred spirit, Deni, thank you so much for the adorable gift! I will think of you next Fall when the little pumpkin is wearing that adorable outfit. And to my Toe Twin, Nan, thank you for the beautiful "rainbow" plaque. I put it on my bulletin board so that I see it each day. I'm so blessed to have such wonderful friends!

My Front Porch...dressed for Fall

Okay, so I could keep writing and end up with a novel post today, but I will stop here. Much love to each of you and I send love, prayers and continued encouragement.

Today's Quote: You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. ~Dr. Seuss

XXX

Unsolicited Advice...

2010-09-21T11:51:00.000-05:00

Sweetest Bloggie Friends,

Well, where to start? There are just so many thoughts swirling in my head! For starters, I am still in anxiety mode, as I hit 8 weeks on Monday. Although so grateful for this little miracle, I am still beyond riddled with worry and fear. I stalk pregnancy my symptoms and tend to analyze each and every one. And I pray constantly that our little pumpkin has settled into the patch and is thriving. No one could have prepared me for what "crossing over" is like. In the back of my mind, I always knew that if I became pregnant again it would be another rollercoaser ride, but nothing could have prepared me for the barrage of nervousness and anxiety. They seem to come in waves...one day optimism and the next those what if thoughts creep into my head. It's difficult, but I just try to bring myself back to a place of "living in the moment".

For some reason I am having a terribly difficult time believing this baby could actually make it. I suppose I am trying to protect my heart from being crushed once again. Also, I will admit that I have not stopped thinking about my adoption dreams and the little girl that I will one day bring home from China. I would like to think of my adoption thoughts as my back up plan, but all in all, it could be my reality. When our little pumpkin is born I will be approaching 39 and I'm not sure how I feel about a baby after 40, as I am still trying to absorb that(or if it would even happen). Also, I have no idea what my FSH would be at that point either, so there are alot of unanswered questions out there for "my" particular situation. However, what I do know, is that 1) I ~~WANT~~ WILL be a Mother 2) I want to give my child a sibling, as I can not imagine growing up alone. I have a brother and can't fathom what my childhood would have been like without him. So, there is still much to think about....

Another of my fears is in re-living the past. Once you experience loss, life as you know it is never the same. We can work on ourselves and attend therapy, etc..., but that sense of fearlessness and naivete is gone forever. You just don't get it back. Instead, you work to live in the moment and realize the blessings of each day...and you are forever a work in progress.

Infertility leaves such a nasty scar on your heart and even thoughI may be pregnant, my heart still aches for those "waiting", as I "know" what that feels like and its very real and painful for me still. As I read blogs of those trying various treatments I cry a river of tears, as I know the disappointment...its very real and it hurts so much. I've become close to so many in this community as well as my Fab 5 and often times I feel guilty to be experiencing what so many want so badly. Guilt is part of this "crossing over" process and I can not tell you what that does to a person. Above anything, know that I continue to pray for all of you who continue to offer love and support while trying to bring your own dreams to fruition.

Today, as I was searching for some information and thinking about how difficult this entire process is, I ran across these t-shirts and could not resist sharing. What do you suppose people would think if we all wore them?

Yeah, I got the memo the first time. Thanks!

Love this!

These Fabulous T's can be purchased from Evil Genius Woman. Yes, I do believe she IS a genius and I suppose she "knows" a little something about infertility...thus the shirts!

So sorry this post is all over the map today, but that is just how scrambled the thoughts are in my head. Overall, thank you all for being so sweet and thoughtful. For those who have asked how I'm feeling, I'm doing okay. I am a little tired and it when I hit that wall, I take a Nap...love naps! Other than that, I'm suffering from the dreaded Big "C" and am trying to combat it with water and more fiber, wish me luck! I still have no morning sickness, but am suffering from food aversions...everything I look at seems unappealing and my appetite is lacking. Thanks to Nan and Deni for advice on constipation and how to get liquid veggies! Colace and V Fusion are my new friends...LOL And to my precious friends Angie and Shandrea for always "loving me" and putting aside their own hurts to encourage me on. I love you all so much!

On another note, please pray for me, as I have to attend my nephews 4th birthday party on Friday. Children's parties are still hard for me and as much as I love this little man I dread going. I dread seeing my SIL very pregnant, as this sight will bring back so much pain. Even though I am pregnant too, it still hurts so badly...seems strange, I know, but I just can't explain it. And, no one knows we are pregnant, as we don't feel comfortable sharing at this point. I just pray that I can hold it together and enjoy this little boy that has brought my life so much JOY.

Much Love to you all....I pray for you always.
xoxoxo

The WALL..

2010-09-17T12:32:00.000-05:00

Happy Friday!

Today, as I was reading another bloggers story, which happened to end in success, I was reminded of thoughts that we had in common. Like so many, I too found myself exasperated by this journey and saught the help of an RE. I remember my first visit to my RE's office and the many thoughts that swirled in my head. Anxiety doesn't even begin to describe my emotions. Not to mention that my new Dr. was caught up in surgery and my husband and I were left to wait in a small conference room for more than an hour. Talk about torture of the soul.

However, the torture was not only in the waiting, but in the wall of photos that seemed to line every square inch of a long, winding hallway that lead to this little room where it felt as if I was being held against my will. Yes, I was there because I wanted to be, but so much of who I am did not want any part of this place. For me, it was yet another reminder of defeat. And all those gorgeous photos of beautiful babies that lined that hallway only made me ill. I despised that wall on so many levels! What kind, caring, compassionate Doctors post hundreds, if not thousands of photos on every square inch of hallway in their clinic? In a Fertility Clinic none the less!

Okay, okay, I get the gist of "why" these photos dot the walls of this thouroughfare, but give me a break, for those of us "waiting" the stories told on those walls pierced our hearts. Those photos were a constant reminder of what we did not have and left the mind to wonder if we would ever add to that wall or if we would just come and sit and ~~begrudge~~ admire those innocent faces that we tried to ignore.

As I returned to the clinic time and again for consultations, blood draws, ultrasounds, monitoring and insemination I worked very hard to make peace with that wall. Finally, I found a place in my heart of "acceptance" of these precious photos.

Last week, as my husband and I had our first ultrasound, I saw those photos in a whole new light. As we waited for our ultrasound I sat and studied the faces on that wall before me. There must have been 200 or more photos all framed and lined up nicely on that wall. Instead of jealousy, I felt intense pain as I looked at these pictures. I felt raw emotion and hardship for what the parents of these children had endured. I wondered "what was their story"? How long had they awaited these miracles? How many angels wait in heaven to meet their siblings that line these hallway walls. The thoughts were overwhelming. My husband could tell that I was in deep thought. Eventualy, I lookd at him and said "I hope we add a photo to that wall". He replied "do you think that is necessary?" In that instant, I "knew" this wall not only caused me heartache, but it caused others mixed feelings too. But, it remains another reminder to me....

There is BEAUTY in PAIN

So, this morning, as I ~~read~~ re-read an excerpt in the ole What to Expect book my mind was once again flooded with emotions and lots of prayer. I keep asking myself the same repetitious questions, will this baby make it? Will I add a photo to "that wall"? Is our little pumpkin still growing and thriving? I told God that I just needed some reassurance.

When....all of a sudden

A rainbow appeared on the right hand page of the book! I could not believe my eyes, it was there...and it was real. Sent straight from Heaven by the one that remains my constant.

On a complete other note, as I was driving and looking at the moon last night, I could not help but think of my "little firefly" and it brought me to tears. I was reminded of all the pain and love that I've endured this past year and how my journey has changed, but how so much of it has stayed the same. I was reminded that I'm still scarred on so many levels...and reminded that healing comes slowly. However, I continue to cling to FAITH and do my best to "live in this moment" and "choose Today".

I hope that each of you have a wonderful weekend! And, I continue to pray for you all and call you by name...please pray for us as well.

Instant Love..."Wordy Wednesday"

2010-09-15T15:26:00.002-05:00

Well, so much for a Wordless Wednesday...this is going to be "Wordy Wednesday" for me! It can't be helped.

Monday was our first ultrasound at 7w 0d and to say the least I was very anxious. For 2 weeks I had worked myself up in anticipation of how the scan would go. I'd analyzed and over analyzed every symptom or non symptom that my body produced. Many thoughts swirled in my head and I found myself trying to believe in the best, but preparing for the worst. What an awful feeling...and I prayed and prayed and prayed.

Thankfully, my husband was with me for the scan that took place at our fertility clinic. And once again I was relieved when I saw the sweet face of Jenny, my favorite us tech, who would be doing my scan. She asked how I was doing and the answer was written all over my face. I said "I'm nervous" and she said "I understand". Then she asked why and I told her that my symptoms in this pregnancy were so very different than the last...that I'd had no morning sickness or signs of nausea, which concerned me. She said "you may be one of the people that don't experience that". Then, she got started....

And the most beautiful little miracle was reveled to us....right before my teary eyes. It was amazing! The high resolution scan was so clear and Jenny was the absolute sweetest. She took her time to get many pictures and explained in great detail what she was looking for and how our baby was measuring perfectly for 7 weeks. The heart rate was 128. Then, she turned on the contrast and we were able to see the exchange of blood flow. Simply amazing!

I am IN LOVE

Jenny was even sweet enough to ask me which pictures I wanted. I left that to her discretion, noting that she was the photographer, to which she laughed. I expressed to her how very grateful I was to her for being so kind and thoughtful. There is certainly a "difference" in the mentality of an us tech that works at a fertility clinic and one that works for an OB...or at least that was my experience. Jenny sees miracles every day, but she had the gift of being able to make it seem as though our baby was the first she'd ever seen. What an amazing woman!

After the scan, as I was getting dressed, I asked my husband what he thought, as this is the first ultrasound he's ever seen. He said it was amazing and that he thought the whole picture looked like a carved pumpkin...uterus, plus baby.

We officially have 1 "Pumpkin" in our patch! And we are so grateful...

Just last night, my husband came into our bedroom, as I was resting, with the biggest SMILE on his face and said "Guess What?" I said "what?" He said "I saw a HUGE shooting star on my way home Monday night" I asked if he thought that was a sign and he said YES! I've not seen this kind of emotion from him...ever, and it felt good :)

I hesitated as to whether or not to post these pictures, as I never want to hurt anyone who has supported me. However, I decided that I would share, as I want to celebrate this child. I want to celebrate his/her life that is so very precious. Yes, I am still very afraid of us not moving forward, of something going horribly wrong, but I did vow to live in the moment....and this is our moment. We continue to thank God for our miracle and ask that you pray for our journey.

7w 0d

For those of you waiting, I offer you love and send prayers your way. No one has any idea how very hard this journey can be...until you live it. But, let me offer you some encouragement, take things day by day, and know that you may experience storms of Life, but there will always be sunshine to follow. Today may be a bad day, but there is always tomorrow. My heart hurts for all of you and I pray for your day to come very soon.

Finally, I want to make a plea to all of you out there...PLEASE

HELP ME HELP A FRIEND

My precious friend Shan at Loving My Angels is currently seeking a new peri, "high risk" Dr. in the Houston area. If you or any of your blogger friends "know" a wonderful peri that is kind, compassionate and highly skilled please leave a comment here on my blog or on her blog, Loving My Angels. Currently, Shan is seeking a second opinion, as she has suffered 3 losses due to incompetent cervix. If you can help her, please do. Also, if you would ask for recommendations on your blog for her it would be most appreciated. The blogger network brings about so much wonderful information. Continue to pass along love and help us out on this one :)

Much Love

Today's Verse:

If you give up when it's winter, you will no doubt miss the promise of your

spring, the beauty of your summer and the fulfillment of your autumn.

Author Unknown

Keeper Of the Secret

2010-09-11T10:35:00.001-05:00

Shhhh....Don't tell

Good Saturday Morning!

I love weekends! Sleeping late, the quiet, still that envelops me, as I cocoon as long as I wish with no reason to rush about the day. Ahhhh, it's wonderful! So, I sit here now in my comfy spot, vanilla steamer in hand, looking out onto my garden, and think...and think...and think.

The constant thought that I am the "Keeper of the Secret". I've always been very good at not disclosing any information that someone has told me in confidence or asked me not to repeat. Secrets for me are considered sacred and thus staying mum has never been a real problem. Until now....

Last night, we went to dinner with our friends Maddy and Steve, who we adore, and had a wonderful night. Lots of laughs and delicious food at our favorite Mexican restaurant.  Although we haven't known them for a long time, I feel connected to them, as they suffered multiple losses, infertility and played the game of ART.  Maddy took and interest in our situation right away and urged me to see an RE and was relentless until I told her we had an appointment. She always seems to "get it" and never holds back in telling my husband the emotional up's and down's of this rocky road. At any rate, she's a gem and knew that we had done the IUI a few weeks back.

As we sat there talking last night, I knew that she would never ask how things went.  Having walked this road, she knows the boundaries. Yet, I hated that I felt as if I could not reveal the "secret" to someone who has been so supportive. Part of me wants to tell the world and the other part of me knows that you just don't and the other part of me wants to keep this all for myself. Aside from all of you who follow my blog, no one knows our secret. It saddens me that something so wonderful can not be shared, but I would never risk sharing this news only to have to take it all back.  And that saddens me more....

Why do we have to be so tentative when we want to shout it from the mountain tops? Because we know "too" much. And that knowing too much brings about a whole other set of issues. But, we fight harder, with greater tenacity than ever before to hold on with all our might. Shoo'ing away the negative thoughts and embracing the moment. Trying to "live in the moment".

As we were driving to the restaurant last night, hubby and I had a good laugh.  My husband treated himself to a new car and we were driving it for the first time and he was looking at all of the gadgets and fidgeting with this and that, etc... Before I knew it, I said "you're going to look great in your sports car rocking a car seat". He laughed and said "I hope we put one back there". I realized in that moment that I had allowed myself to look forward and it felt good, but I also realized for the first time that he's guarding his heart too.  Often times, I don't know what swirls in his head, but I do know that he wants this child just as much as I do and it felt good to hear those words.

Perhaps, I am finally coming around to the possibility that this child may very well be growing and thriving, despite not being sick like I was last time or feeling totally pregnant.  However, I am experiencing some subtleties that remind me things do feel a "little" different, even if its not as text book as it was last time. And, I even read in my What to Expect book that symptoms in a first pregnancy are more severe than in subsequent pregnancies, so I will take that for what its worth. Yes, I had to beat the dust off this book before I could read it, as its been stored away for some time. And, if you can believe this, I actually looked on line at what's in store for Fall maternity wear. Okay, I looked at one site, for maybe 5 minutes, but that's a milestone for me! Always the fashionista, my curiosities got the best of me....

Overall, whatever the outcome, I'm still thankful to have been afforded this opportunity and I am GRATEFUL for this gift. So grateful to God for blessing my life and for always being my constant. And I'm grateful for friends who love me and support me, friends who love all sides of me, even the times when I don't walk so gracefully. I won't say that I don't fall off the wagon from time to time and have my anxious meltdown...I'm human afterall, but I will say that I'm trying to look forward and enjoy this time.

For those of you who are in the throws of a treatment calendar, working toward adoption or are waiting on the next step, my heart aches for you, as I know those feelings all too well. The fine line that exists between pessimism and optimism...but, choose "optimism", choose "today". And BELIEVE with all your might that things "will" work out. I can not tell you how many hours in this life that I wasted living in the negative. Yet, when I decided to move forward and do my best to live in the positive, that's when everything changed. Perhaps it was because I was so tired and had just thrown my hands up and said "God, if this is your will, then see it through, if not, then direct my steps". I had to do what was so incredibly hard for me to do, relinquish total control. I say total control, because I will be honest, I never fully let go, but I did let go enough to see his promise :)

Know that I am hopeful for us all and I will continue to pray for miracles and call each of you by name. You remain on my prayer list and I pray for your specific needs :) Sending you love and many hugs for a nice, restful weekend.

Until then...I remain, the "Keeper of a Beautiful Little Secret"

"Secrets are made to be found out with time.”
Charles Stanford

I Choose "Today"

2010-09-10T11:47:00.001-05:00

I've made a choice....

I Choose "Today"

As I lay awake in the still darkness of this new day, this Friday morning, I had time to ponder many things. I had time to just "be" and talk to God and Pray....

I love these moments. Moments that are not planned, but moments that just "happen". Perhaps God woke me this morning at 3am for greater purpose than the call to potty. This morning, this new day, was the moment that I woke and realized that my journey will be what I make it. I have 2 distinct choices:

Live in Fear

or....

Live in the Moment

I choose to "Live in the Moment"

Living in fear is beyond exhausting and if I realized anything, I realized that I am not in control of my situation. This journey will be "what it will be" and I can not change it. I realize that I need to focus my efforts on being positive and living for today, as none of us know what tomorrow will bring. To let go and "trust" is the most difficult thing I could be asked to do, but its something I must do.

I won't lie and say that I won't occasionaly look back into the rear view mirror, as I am human. And it isn't easy to turn over a new leaf, but I'm going to try. I AM a "work in progress". I won't tell you that this new pregnancy has cured my ills, it has not. Sadly, I am still so much of what I was before....a patchwork quilt. A life juxtoposed of many patterns, worn on the edges, but with a story to tell.

This is my life, this is my story....and the pages will be as I "choose" to write them. So, today, I am working on starting this new chapter, putting one foot in front of the other and trying with all my might to believe in the good that's to come.

My A HA moment may have come at 3am, but it brought me so much clarity and I am grateful to have made this realization. I'll be honest, I am still worried and scared, but I know that whatever the outcome....I will be okay. Until then, I want to live for today, live in this moment and enjoy what I've worked so hard to attain.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. And, as always, thank you for walking "with" me.

Have a wonderful weekend! No matter where you are on your journey, I challenge you to "Choose Today"

"This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it."

Psalms 118:24

Fear trumps Happiness...

2010-09-09T11:34:00.001-05:00

Happy Thursday bloggie friends!

First, let me say Thank You for all of the comforting words and personal experiences that you left on my last post. I can honestly say that it helped to ease my fears. However, I am still very fearful of how things are going. I'd just like some "real" confirmation that things are progressing as they should.

Honestly, I had dreamed of what this "next time" would be like and I have to admit that there were days that I wondered if there would even be a next time. This journey has robbed me of Joy on so many levels and I long for the day that I can feel comfortable again in my own skin. One would think that getting a positive result would ease my fears, but it has only heightened them. The daily anxiety is sometimes overwhelming and my mind races to what I will do "if" things don't go according to plan. Sometimes its just too much!

Over the course of the past year, I have read many, many, blogs and the words I am writing have echoed throughout so many. A new pregnancy following loss brings about so much fear, not to mention the pain that it drudges up from the past. The transition from the daily worry of "will I ever get pregnant again" is replaced with "will I bring this baby home". Crossing over is not an easy adjustment. It's as if you get on the roller coaster one more time.

Sadly, I find myself trying to orchestrate yet another back up plan when I should be living in the moment and enjoying what I have today, "this day that the Lord has made". Instead of praying for peace of heart and mind I am praying for nausea and more symptoms and reassurance that all is well. Talk about a skewed thought process! Who prays for nausea? Someone who has suffered loss, that's who...and its very sad. I even feel guilty for so much of what I am even putting into words on this page. Why can't I just be "happy"?

Fear is trumping Happiness....and its suffocating me.

I fear that I am actually failing myself in not fully appreciating this moment that I have longed for. There is also lot of guilt that comes with this new chapter. What a plethora of emotions in this head of mine that can't seem to stop turning. And to think that my therapist talked me into cancelling my appointment, as she thought I would be "okay"...and I believed her. She had more faith in me than I have in myself.

Overall, I suppose these emotions stem from spending more than a year of everything going wrong and nothing going right. Getting knocked down again and again and again. And when something finally goes right its hard to accept. Please continue to pray for me...pray that I can find peace of mind.

In the meantime, I will be praying for more than nausea :) I do know that "he" is my constant and "he" will not forsake me...and once again I will ask for him to direct my steps.

And...I will tie that ROPE one more time.

And...I will grasp FAITH with both hands.

Much love to you all and thank you for encouraging me
xxxx

(II Corinthians 12:9-10) 9 He has said to me, "“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”" Most gladly therefore I will rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest on me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in weaknesses, in injuries, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then am I strong.

Anxiety has Arrived

2010-09-07T10:40:00.001-05:00

Hello Sweetest Friends,

I hope that each of you are well and that you enjoyed your holiday weekend. My hubby and I journeyed to NC to the lake house and enjoyed our opportunity to say good-bye to Summer and usher in the coming Fall. I love this time of year and the change of seasons.

Today marks 6w 3d and I can honestly say that I am riddled with worry. The kind of anxiety that consumes your day and suffocates your joy. To date, I have very few symptoms, aside from being a little tired and boobs that feel heavy and achy. In comparison, this pregnancy is so different from my last. The last time I had text book symptoms starting at 5 weeks...soreness in the lower back, sore boobs, morning sickness, aversions to food and smells and fatigue, etc... Now, things are completely different and I am worried beyond worried to the point of having bad dreams.

My feelings bounce back and forth between optimism and pessimism. Optimism in this pregnancy being completely different from the last which ended in miscarriage and pessimism in not feeling as if this pregnancy is progressing as it should. And it does not help that all of the material that I have read suggests that your hormones rage at 6 weeks and the morning sickness should be setting in. I never thought I would pray for morning sickness, but I am, I need reassurance.

To make matters worse, my RE can not get me in for an ultrasound until next week, which will mark 7 weeks. Apparently, his schedule is slammed.

Honestly, seeing a positive result only makes this journey more difficult, as there is a fine line between loss and a new pregnancy. Once you have been through loss it is so hard to fully embrace the joy and live in the moment, as there is no guarantee of the outcome. It's sad....so very sad.

During my last clinic visit for a blood draw to check my hCG level (two weeks ago) I overheard another lady asking the nurse "when do I get my due date?" The nurse explained that hCG levels would be followed, an ultrasound done and then a due date given. I sat there and envied this woman's naivete, as she had no real sense of all that could go wrong....and I was happy that she was not privy to all that I know.

So, for now, I am going to try and focus on the positives:
*an IUI that worked the very first time
*a positive result
*feeling good
*having a wonderful support system
*God's grace
*a sweet, supportive husband

Our protocol:
Clomid + Ovidrel, followed by IUI
*started progesterone at 17 days past ovulation.

Please keep us in your prayers....and know that I have been praying for all of you by name. I promise, I am grateful, but this road is just so hard. Anyone else out there with little to no symptoms at 6 weeks? Or a first ultrasound at 7 weeks following IUI? I'd appreciate your thoughts.

xoxox

"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid."

John 14:27

Prayer of Praise During and After the Storm

2010-09-02T14:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, as I was searching for some other readings from the book of Psalms I came across this one. It touched my soul and I wanted to pass it along to you. I feel these words so strongly....

Many, many thanks for your beautiful words, congrats, understanding and love. Please keep us in your prayers, as this is an overwhelming time. Yes, I am ever so grateful and I rejoice in his gift, but the past seems to continue to creep in and rob that joy. I'm willing myself forward, one day at a time :)

Much Love and Many Thanks for being here for me....
xoxo

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, you have searched me

and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;

you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

Glimpse of a Rainbow...

2010-08-29T17:56:00.000-05:00

Happy Sunday sweet bloggie friends!

Today I am writing to you under blue skies scattered with bouts of rain, yet my spirit is lifted, I am grateful and full of hope. As many of you know, in my last post I spoke of finding myself in the valley due to my failed first IUI cycle and how I was impatiently waiting for Flo's arrival.

Last week, the final week of the 2ww proved to be uneventful for me, as I had absolutely no pregnancy symptoms. Day after day passed and I was absolutely sure that "she" was on her way. Those thoughts were confirmed on Saturday evening, 12 days past IUI when I experienced some slight spotting. Crushed, I cried in my husbands arms as he consoled my aching heart and willed myself to believe that "tomorrow is a new day". On Sunday I woke filled with optimism and wrote last weeks post titled "Feel Like Giving Up?" So many of you left the most wonderful supportive comments and my heart was lifted, as I could feel the love that was being cast my way. From the bottom of my heart I say thank you for all the encouragement.

As last week progressed, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday passed and I grew more and more anxious for my next cycle to begin, I was thankful to have another Clomid + Ovidrel and IUI cycle that would begin soon. At the same time I was preparing myself for the possibility of adoption and readying myself to begin researching the Chinese adoption process. My heart has always been open to doing this and it very well may be a reality to me one beautiful day. To say the least, I was again going into problem solving mode and working on my back up plan to my back up plan.

That was until Wednesday evening when I had reached 16 days past IUI and my cycle still had not began and I was very aggravated thinking the med's had delayed my cycle. Later, after a trip with my husband to Wallgreens, which by the way I had detested, as I knew it would only result in another negative result, I gave in and tested. To my surprise, in seconds I saw a very clear + sign in the window! I was in shock and I still am.

Honestly, I have not even been able to wrap my head around the thought of this IUI working. It all seems so surreal at the moment. I'm very happy, yet I am also suffering a host of emotions related to my past loss and the uncertainty of where this journey will lead.  So far my betas have been good, as is my progesterone level. However, my RE has started me on progesterone intravaginaly.  Again, I am so grateful and thank God for this miracle the he has blessed me with. Please keep us in your prayers as we go forward, as I am so afraid.

For those of you who will read this and are still awaiting your miracle, hold on to HOPE. As another blogger friend, Michelle, said to me, don't hold on with your pinkie finger, firmly grasp "his" hand. I won't profess that this post came easily, as I struggled for the right words. My greatest fear was in hurting someone that would read this post whose heart was already hurting, whose journey has been long and painful and who will once again suffer that "happy for her, but sad for me moment". I know all of these feelings so well and I promise you I would not feel ill toward you if you find that you can no longer follow this blog. The emotions that surround announcements are so difficult, even when you love the person and are genuinely happy for their outcome. I have lived these same emotions of jealousy, anger, disappointment and utter happiness for someone else all why saying "why not me". However, I would urge you to cling to your FAITH and hold onto HOPE, even when it seems far from your grasp.  And I promise to continue to rally you along, be your personal cheerleader and give so much back to you that you have lovingly given to me.

In the meantime, please pray for our glimpse of a Rainbow....

Today's verse:

1 Samuel 1:27
I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.

*I cry a river as I post this verse, as I dreamed of this day...and I am GRATEFUL.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-08-25T09:32:00.002-05:00

Ahhh, the beach! Wish I was there....